words float out like holograms

Attention Bloggers

2011-01-13T16:57:00.000-08:00

I've moved!

I'll be posting on Tumblr now.

http://alexisapotter.tumblr.com/

Cheers!

Mary

2010-12-18T18:43:00.000-08:00

I read through Luke close to 10 years ago and wrote in my journal that one of the things that really stuck out to me was the phrase "But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart." Luke writes that 3 different times about her.. and I felt that it must be significant.

Last week in church, Bill mentioned that same thing, so I started thinking about Mary again. What an absolute honor, to be chosen by God for something like that. She was just a girl.. and the Lord saw in her someone worthy to raise Jesus.

The gospels don't say a ton about her. She accepted her role, carried it out... and treasured this experience in her heart. She gave birth to Jesus, mothered him, followed him in his teachings and was there when he died. She devoted her life to taking care of God's son. She did exactly what God said she could do.

I don't think this is about her great works or anything. But she must have been special, and was obviously close to God's heart. I want that kind of life. Even if I'm not famous, even if most people never hear my name- I want to spend my life caring for the people God cares about. Doing his work with all my heart, for all my life.

And truly treasuring it. Every moment and experience.

gobble gobble

2010-11-24T08:09:00.000-08:00

This has been one of my favorite passages for a long time..
"Let love be genuine; hate what is evil, hold fast to what is good; love one another with mutual affection; outdo one another in showing honor. Do not lag in zeal, be ardent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in suffering, persevere in prayer. Contribute to the needs of the saints; extend hospitality to strangers." - Romans 12:9-13

I like mini-pep talks like this. Every time I read it, I think: Yes! That's the desire within me! It's such a worthy goal.. and I can use reminders on a regular basis.

I've seen a lot of highs and lows in other people's lives lately. I've seen people act with kindness in beautiful moments. And I've seen others be disappointed. It's a fact that people are going to let you down- which makes it so much sweeter when they come through.

I was feeling really down about the holidays, since we don't get to go to Florida again. But two weeks ago, my brother Joe moved about 5 hours south of here! We'll be spending a couple days with him.. I'm honestly thrilled :D

I'm feeling thankful for my job.. and extra thankful for my 4 day weekend.

Everyone is feeling festive this week and I think it's great! I really don't want to only be thankful one week a year though. I want that to be my lifestyle. There's always something you could complain about, you know? But dwelling on it will just ruin your day.

Never lose an opportunity of seeing anything beautiful, for beauty is God's handwriting.- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Some post-election thoughts

2010-11-10T18:03:00.000-08:00

Intertwined

2010-10-26T07:52:00.000-07:00

Once in awhile I read a quote that speaks to something inside of me in a truly profound way. I love reading quotes because every so often I find one that articulates a thought that's been trying to surface within me, but I haven't found a way to articulate. This is one of those:

Christian prayer is always a response to a presence already felt. The awareness of a desire to pray again is already prayer. As the desert fathers so often said, "If you want to pray, you are already praying."
- Edward J. Farrell

I have definitely been guilty of putting my own limitations on God. But God is there whether I'm aware of him or not. And he knows what I feel, think and desire whether I'm putting them into words or not.

I believe that he lives in me. That means that everything I feel is intertwined with what he feels. I have no doubt that there is power in prayer, in saying out loud all of things burning inside of us. It's absolutely necessary.

But beginning to pray is our physical response to what's already happening within us. That thought reminds me of how very present God is. How aware he is of the good things in me and how much grace he gives me in all the ways I fall short. I'm so thankful that he's always at work in me. Whether I'm seeking him with all my heart or hiding, he's an intricate part of every moment of my life. It's oddly comforting to realize that I can't get outside of God.

Now.

2010-10-16T09:51:00.000-07:00

Bryon and I got back from our Florida trip on Monday. Honestly, I expected to feel depressed this week. I miss home. I miss having family and friends that make us feel like we belong. Our life in California has been much more isolated, and it's been hard.

So it's been easy for me to think of this time as something to get through and one day we get to leave.. almost like CA isn't our real life, it's just a really long trip. But since we've been back I've realized how much I don't want to live that way.

I don't want to live for something that's going to happen in the future. And I don't want to be so attached to the past that I can't embrace what's in front of me. All I'm guaranteed, all I have- is this moment. I have hope for things to come. I have memories that I cherish. But all I can actually live is right now.

I think I've made a habit of living passively, and that's the opposite of what I want to do. So I guess I needed this eye-opener.. these thoughts have been running through my head all week, and I've definitely been more intentional about how I spend my time, how I respond to people, what I'm thinking or talking about. Today counts just as much as last week did.

Obviously, this doesn't mean I'll never feel lonely or sad. But I will make the most of every day. Very soon, this moment.. this weekend.. this season will only be a memory.

I refuse to let it simply pass me by.

it's a process

2010-08-29T16:19:00.000-07:00

Reading through Romans was pretty whoa. There's so much good stuff in there.. and so much to challenge me.

This really stuck out to me: 15:5-6 Now may the God who gives perseverance and encouragement grant you to be of the same mind with one another according to Christ Jesus,so that with one accord you may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.

I haven't actually been feeling super unified lately. I don't know anyone that shares my every belief and sometimes it's easy to focus on the differences. I love conversing about different opinions.. but it can turn from a friendly discussion to an alienating disagreement pretty quickly. That just makes us feel bad, and doesn't do much good for God either. It doesn't even have to be a conversation. Today at church, one of the pastors said something good about Glenn Beck's rally yesterday and I immediately crossed my arms and put my walls up. I don't like Glenn Beck. So he can't do anything good, ever. Right?

Then that same pastor gave an incredible message about the Father's heart for us. About how even though other people's sin bothers us, it doesn't bother God that way. He's pursuing them with passionate love, and they're white as snow in his eyes. And God has that same burning desire to be with us personally. I get much more offended than he does. But I want to love like him.

Rom 14:1- Now accept the one who is weak in faith, but not for the purpose of passing judgment on his opinions.
When I read that verse it was so convicting. I am definitely guilty of accepting people.. so I can start conforming them into my image of what Christians should be. On a second reading, I realized that some people probably need that verse to deal with me. I'm still working through a lot of stuff. And I'm truly thankful for people that accept me without trying to correct everything I say.

I just want to be the body. I want to be love. I want to be unified, to show how good God is. Lord, help me.

The Bible

2010-08-14T11:46:00.001-07:00

My dearest friend Katie and I were recently discussing the fact that neither of us have ever actually read the entire Bible. So, in a moment of determination and optimism, we decided we would find a plan, read the whole Good Book in a year and check up on each other's progress. We're one week in, and so far, so good.

I think this is going to be a really good thing for me. I've noticed that even just having to discipline myself to read 3 or 4 chapters a day is a kind of big change. To be completely honest, I've gone weeks without reading the Bible. Getting into it every day has been keeping my mind more focused on God.

I don't think that scripture is the only way God speaks to us. I believe the Holy Spirit is constantly speaking to us, through that still small voice, through other people, through nature, through coincidences. But I also believe the Bible is an awesome gift to us and I don't want to neglect it.

Today I read Romans 6. The very last verse, 23, is: For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. I'm sure you, like me, have read it a hundred times.

Most of the time I've heard it discussed, the focus is on the first clause. "The wages of sin is death." True. We're terrible sinners and that's why we need Jesus. But one of the beautiful things about reading the Bible through is that you get context. And pretty much the whole chapter leading up to this point focuses on the "free gift of eternal life" issue.

We're free from sin. We are now slaves to righteousness. Our old self has been crucified with Christ. Never, ever again to we have to live in bondage. That is the point of the cross. I could sit on this for awhile.

Some tunes

2010-08-03T17:17:00.000-07:00

I've been in a really happy music place lately. Not like the music I'm currently loving is always super happy. I'm just happy with it. So, even though I don't usually do this, enjoy!

Animal Collective- My Girls

Florence & the Machine- Between Two Lungs

Annnd Broken Bells- The High Road

Starry Night Over the Rhone

2010-07-26T20:46:00.001-07:00

This is my life right now.

Also, there will be an Impressionist exhibit in San Francisco in September and I would really, really love to go.

It was you who I wanted to be talking to..

2010-07-21T17:47:00.000-07:00

There are now over 7 billion people alive in the world, right? That's a lot of people. I can't even begin to fathom what that number actually means.

Lately, I've been feeling like I have all these crazy thoughts. About anything and everything. Sometimes I share them. The crazier the thought is, the less of a chance that person will relate to what I'm saying. I feel incredibly blessed, because I do have people in my life that I can relate to. But no matter how much I share with any one of them, we aren't exactly the same.

This particular thought actually started while I was looking through the music on my Zune. I wondered "Does anybody have exactly the same music as I do?" My initial response was no way, of course not. 7 billion people is a lot though. Well, most of them probably don't have music players. But there's still a lot of people that do.

So that made me wonder if there's anyone out there who feels the exact same way about any number of things.. Is there someone who has the exact same political beliefs? Anyone who dresses the same? Anyone who feels the same way about Dean Koontz? Someone who dances just like I do? Likes exactly the same foods?

Is there anyone who has the exact same image of who God is?

Probably not. To any of those. I mean, maybe they feel the same about Dean Koontz. But many of my own opinions are so complicated and dynamic. The way I see God changes every single day. I learn something more about his heart, his love for people, his love for me.. or what he wants for me.

And because of how big God is, and how small I am, I can never understand everything there is to him. And I always have something to learn from other people. I fully believe that's intentional.

I'm going to slaughter the actual quote, but I heard Bill Johnson say something like "God made us relational. We can't get everything we need from God alone. Otherwise, we could all be hermits and not love each other."

Happy, um, Independence Day

2010-07-05T20:23:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with being political all the time. I first started to write a blog about Independence Day and how I think we're not all that independent at all (FOREIGN oil). But sometimes that feels like such a burden. And I don't think that Jesus meant for us to be free for a little while.. until we pick up the next issue. Whether that be an alcohol problem or a social agenda. I keep coming back to Christ setting us free "for freedom's sake." Not so our chest could feel crushed by something else. So we could know true rest, joy, freedom. Because that's how he loves us.

So, even though I'm not the most patriotic person you'll ever meet, I'm thankful to be where I am. In the U.S.A. I have the freedom to express my dissatisfaction in a blog or during a protest. I have the freedom to spend time with my loved ones. I have the freedom to dance around. I have the freedom to enjoy a good cup of fair trade coffee. I have the freedom to fall asleep next to my husband. And I have the freedom to make a difference.

I have a ton to be grateful for. And I believe that every gift is from above. I also believe that not expressing my thanks would kind of be a slap in the face to the one who gave everything to me.

A thankful heart
Prepares the way
For You, my God
Come fall on us
We fall on You
A thankful heart
Will be our rhythm
Come fall on us
We fall on You
A thankful heart
Will be our song

skeleton me

2010-06-22T22:18:00.000-07:00

I want to..

get my dessert out of the fridge even though it needs to chill for 2 more hours.

"like" every status and photo on someone's Facebook so they laugh the next time they check it.

go a month only wearing 6 articles of clothing.

never lose myself to a bad mood.

be able to paint all the pictures in my head.

get my Zune in the mail right now.

I am..

starting to feel sleepy.

already excited about our Florida trip in October.

convinced that I'm not always right.

stoked that Safeway had peppermint mocha creamer in the middle of June.

an overcomer.

I'm not always satisfied with where I am. But maybe that's the motivation I need.

Hebrews 12:1-2

2010-06-15T13:16:00.000-07:00

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne."

Does this passage make anyone else really excited? Because I am totally ecstatic after reading it.

To start, I'm not sure who is in the cloud of witnesses. But whether they are angels, fellow believers or even loved ones who have passed on, it's clear that these witnesses are an encouragement to us.

I love the image of us running this race, being weighed down, getting tired.. then looking at Jesus- and everything changes. The burdens of life slide off. The sin that so easily entangles us is removed. And then we run with perseverance: not getting distracted, not getting defeated.

The Lord called us to this race. And he did not ask to run just so we could get worn out and give up. If he called us to run after him, we must be able to do it. In his grace, he enables us to run, full speed, to the end. There are distractions and burdens, but he gives us a way out. He gives us the strength we need.

I love the picture of Jesus "disregarding" the shame of the cross. All the guilt and condemnation we carry.. Jesus took it. And he overcame it. Disregard usually means "oh, that was no big deal, just ignore it." That's such an awesome way to put it. Jesus took ALL of our shame and looked ahead at the joy of being with the Father and uniting us with the Father and it was no issue.

I truly believe that the same Holy Spirit that was in Jesus has been given to us. I don't believe God has put us in a world that is going to destroy us. It's not always easy, but it's always possible.

It's my sincere hope that we can all learn to run this marathon just as God intended us to- victoriously.

Dos Anos

2010-06-04T12:11:00.001-07:00

May 25 marked our second wedding anniversary. I feel like Bryon and I have been together long enough to be transparent about our relationship.

We are happy. We're still in love. We will have a 50th anniversary.
But the last couple of years have had some rough moments.

I've thought a lot about how much easier marriage made the whole sexual sin thing for me. And not having to wonder "is this relationship God's will for my life??" That thought plagued me years before I met Bryon. So it seemed like life got much easier. Now I could get on with my dreams, you know? But marriage isn't the Happily Ever After of life. In many ways, it's been the beginning to my journey.

Marriage is incredibly trying. I started to realize how often I am selfish, how often I act in anger. And since I'm with my husband most of the time.. I've realized how much of my time is spent not doing the things I say I want to do.

I've learned more about grace in the last two years than any other period of my life. There are times when I positively do NOT want to forgive Bryon. But that is so not what God does, nor what he wants me to do. There are other times when I screw up and I hurt him. That sucks. And it makes me think about how I can hurt God's heart also.

But love covers all of that. Not always perfectly in marriage. We're learning. It's definitely a long road. But always perfectly from God. Love, love, love and TONS of grace. I can't even begin to understand how much it takes for each one of us, how much he loves us. Or how incredibly thankful I am about that.

My relationship with Bryon has been a beautiful illustration of that love. How good and fulfilling it can be, and also how much forgiveness it can take. Neither of us are perfect, but I'm happy to be travelling through life with him.

"I got a man to stick it out
And make a home from a rented house
And we'll collect the moments one by one
I guess that's how the future's done"

<3

I want to see

2010-05-22T12:49:00.000-07:00

I want to have both of my eyes open wide, and see in all directions.

We don't have all the answers. It's arrogance to think otherwise.

I don't want to fall into a delusion that one person, one group, one belief system has it 100% right. Because no matter what, there's more. More to God, more to self, more to love, more to life.

Seemingly contradictory statements can both be true. But if we get stuck on what we learned first we might not realize that. If we truly get that God loves us and wants good things for us, that's a beautiful revelation. But can turn into an attitude of entitlement. The opposite could mean turning down the gifts God has planned to give you in love.

Nothing is simple.. very little is black and white. Shades of grey. We all have a lens through which we observe life. Other than core truths- that lens should always be changing, reforming.

I must remain like a child. I must be teachable. Wide eyed, arms open to embrace.

Speck

2010-05-12T10:54:00.000-07:00

That's what I am. I'm a speck. A teeny, tiny part of this world.

I started thinking about it when we visited the Redwoods a couple weeks ago. Those trees are massive. And they've been growing since well before the birth of the USA. We drove 4 hours to get there. A couple hundred miles across one part of one state, in one country. Our earth is huge. And all over it, life is happening. People are laughing. Birthdays are being celebrated. Someone is being born, right now. A flower is blooming. People are falling in love. Water is running off a cliff.

I am so unaware of the vast majority of what is happening right now. It's really humbling. My entire world, my entire existence.. is such a small part of the whole. One hundred years from now, I'll be all but forgotten. Life was going on before I was born, and it will continue long after I die.

This may sound morbid, but it actually makes me feel the opposite. I'm so inspired. I want my life to have meaning, I want to be a part of something.

ALL of life is in God's hands. And he has a specific purpose for me being here. If I live for only my survival, there is no point. But if I live to further God's kingdom, to spread love and justice.. I get to play a part in this huge, beautiful process. I get to be a brush stroke in the big picture. It's exhilarating.

My favorite quote number 38472397

2010-04-21T10:23:00.000-07:00

My hunger for the freedom of my own people became a hunger for the freedom of all people, white and black. I knew as well as I knew anything that the oppressor must be liberated just as surely as the oppressed. A [person] who takes away another [person's] freedom is a prisoner of hatred ... is locked behind bars of prejudice and narrow-mindedness. I am not truly free if I am taking away someone else's freedom, just as surely as I am not free when my freedom is taken from me. The oppressed and the oppressor alike are robbed of their humanity.
- Nelson Mandela, from his autobiography Long Walk to Freedom

Throwing out my favorite excuse

2010-04-19T19:05:00.000-07:00

There's been this issue driving me crazy lately. I hear people say "this is my struggle, the thorn in my flesh, go read Romans 7" and then that person not being able to overcome an issue in their life is considered totally acceptable. Because we all fall short. And I know that is so true. If we get judged by our works, we're screwed. Each and every one of us.

But I'm an idealist. And I believe that God wants to forgive every single one of our sins. I believe he wants to heal every disease. I believe he wants every person to be fed. I believe he wants there to be absolute peace, interpersonally and intrapersonally.

So if God's grace is enough to cover all our sin, why isn't his grace enough to help us overcome our obstacles? I think it is.

I think the same spirit that raised Christ from the dead lives in us. And I think that spirit, the Holy Spirit, is totally willing to enable us to live as Jesus did. In every way.

I don't think Jesus was a liar. I don't think he set unreasonable expectations. He said "You are forgiven. Now go, and sin no more." If he said it, I believe it. It's possible, it's attainable. Clearly, not by my strength or goodness. But that's not what's getting me into heaven. Why should I rely on my own self to live a good life?

I don't have this whole theology worked out. I'm just having a hard time justifying anything less than holiness lately.

As for Romans 7... in the beginning of the chapter, Paul says:

"By dying to what once bound us, we have been released from the law so that we serve in the new way of the Spirit, and not in the old way of the written code.."

We don't have to struggle to earn God's acceptance the way people used to.

I know how that chapter is used. But it's just one chapter. I think reading Romans 6 over and over would be a good idea.

15What then? Shall we sin because we are not under law but under grace? By no means! 16Don't you know that when you offer yourselves to someone to obey him as slaves, you are slaves to the one whom you obey—whether you are slaves to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience, which leads to righteousness? 17But thanks be to God that, though you used to be slaves to sin, you wholeheartedly obeyed the form of teaching to which you were entrusted. 18You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness.
19I put this in human terms because you are weak in your natural selves. Just as you used to offer the parts of your body in slavery to impurity and to ever-increasing wickedness, so now offer them in slavery to righteousness leading to holiness. 20When you were slaves to sin, you were free from the control of righteousness. 21What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death! 22But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves to God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life. 23For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Love this quote

2010-03-22T11:17:00.000-07:00

Perhaps it is no wonder that the women were first at the Cradle and last at the Cross. They had never known a man like this Man ... A prophet and teacher who never nagged at them, never flattered or coaxed or patronised ... who rebuked without querulousness and praised without condescension; who took their questions and arguments seriously; who never mapped out their sphere for them, never urged them to be feminine or jeered at them for being female ... Nobody could possibly guess from the words and deeds of Jesus that there was anything [inferior] about woman's nature.
- Dorothy L. Sayers, from her book, Are Women Human?

107: Feeling Ambitious

2010-03-15T21:31:00.000-07:00

Recently my housemate started this life coaching course. She said one of the things they encourage everyone to do is to have a list of at least 100 dreams. Seemed like a good idea to me.. so here goes!

1. Work for a nonprofit company doing good in the world.

2. Say and be told "I love you" every day

3. Say and be told "I miss you" from someone far away

4. Start wearing a toe ring again

5. Paint something I'm proud to have done

6. Go to Europe (England and France, specifically)

7. Cook dinner from scratch for a group of people

8. Live in an intentional community

9. Be friends with at least 3 of the same people in 20 years

10. Write a book, a more serious blog, a pamphlet.. something legit.

11. Sew a dress

12. Laugh every single day

13. Have a pic-nic with champagne

14. Grow a garden in the ground

15. Save someone's life

16. Take a photography or art class

17. Give myself a french pedicure

18. Go a year without purchasing any clothes

19. Take Kelsea out for sushi

20. Sing in public

21. At least pursue the thought of getting my master's degree

22. Read through the entire Bible

23. Go out on a sail boat

24. Keep a journal throughout my life

25. See an end to poverty and world hunger

26. See an end to war

27. Travel by mostly public transportation

28. Make a cheesecake

29. Come up with a list of 100 dreams

30. Read The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis

31. Spend an entire day outside

33. Own every Beatles album

34. Invent a great recipe

35. Learn more about computers

36. Compost all organic matter

37. Recycle everything else

38. Maintain my current weight or less (except for pregnancy, obviously)

39. Brighten a stranger's day

40. Pay back all of my student loans

41. Do a 40 day fast

42. Join a book club

43. Swim near a waterfall

44. Baby sit a young couple's kids for free

45. Renew our wedding vows after it gets tough

46. Have an art/worship/creation room in my home

47. Go to San Francisco

48. While there, visit MOMA

49. See Phantom of the Opera on Broadway

50. Live within walking distance of a library, coffee shop and park

51. Be part of a peaceful protest

52. Grow my own herbs and make my own tea

53. Ride a bicycle (I had a traumatic experience when I was 12 and haven't been on one since)

54. Dress up like someone from the 1920's

55. Watch the sun rise on the east coast

56. Watch the sun set on the west coast

57. Dance at an 80's club (and a 90's club, if those exist yet)

58. Solve a crime

59. Write to someone in prison

60. Help a village in a developing country become sustainable (clean water, farming and education system)

61. Go to Africa

62. Do a self-portrait (either painted or photographed)

63. Actually make the soundtrack of my life

64. Seriously look into adoption or foster care

65. Go to PAPA Fest

66. See the redwood forest

67. Worship at my darkest moment

68. Get one more tattoo

69. Become fluent in Spanish

70. Change an unjust law

71. Walk through a meadow barefoot and pick wildflowers

72. Go one week eating veggies only

73. Make a scrap book

74. Understand what fascism means

75. Volunteer regularly

76. Make ice cream

77. Buy Christmas presents for a low-income family

78. Spend at least one day exploring New York City

79. Learn how to tell time on a sundial

80. Ride a train

81. Read a biography about Mother Teresa

82. Read a biography about Mohatma Gandhi

83. Be an editor

84. Go backpacking

85. Go one day eating only things I've grown

86. Go on a trip by myself

87. Visit the Louvre

88. Tutor/mentor a child

89. Drink enough water every day

90. Spend a lot of quality time with my family (immediate- including all siblings and future)

91. Perform at least 5 random acts of kindness for complete strangers (clean their bathroom, buy their lunch, rake their lawn)

92. Walk on the water

93. Spend a day walking around a city enjoying the local businesses

94. Write letters to the people I love

95. Have used furniture and decorate it myself

96. Cover my house in local/self-made art

97. Not work 9-5 Monday though Friday in a cubicle

98. Go to a music festival

99. See the beauty in every moment and thank the Lord for it

100. Spend time in someone of a different culture's shoes.. or bare feet

101. Live in the downtown part of a city

102. Never complain again

103. Do a photo shoot

104. Have a big front porch

105. Celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary

106. Not take any person for granted

107. In 10, 20, 40 and 60 years, see how I’ve done on my list. And add to it.

So doing this ended up taking longer than I thought it would. And it challenged me. Made me hone in on what my priorities in this life are. I would encourage everyone to give it a try.

every plan is a tiny prayer to father time

2010-03-05T08:14:00.000-08:00

My plan was to come to Redding for 9 months, get everything we needed and immediately jet back home to Florida.

That is probably not what is going to actually take place.

Bryon started talking about wanting to stay for second year pretty quickly. I was horrified. I told him there was absolutely no way. I maintained that stand for about 6 months. Then I decided to actually seek the Lord about it.

I woke up the next morning knowing that we were staying. I didn't hear God's voice, didn't even feel guided in a specific direction while I was praying. But I knew. But I did not share that with Bryon.

I started telling friends and family that we might stay.. that was the scariest part of this process for me. Literally, the day I told the last person I was worried about was the day God made it crystal clear.

I was sitting outside of a local coffee shop on the phone with said person. Then one of the other Bethel students, who I'd met but didn't really know, came up to me with a prophetic drawing. She felt like it was for me. This drawing is of a person standing in front of two mountains with the sun rising between them. The person has his/her arms up in praise. She wrote on the back that this is the valley of indecision, but there is joy in the mountain tops.

I freaked out.

This may sound like just a massive coincidence to you, but I'm positive that was God guiding me. Bryon picked me up a few minutes later and I told him to go ahead and apply for second year.

I'm not going to lie, there's a part of me that's hoping God was just testing me and Bryon won't get in. That's a pretty selfish desire, I know. Bryon will almost definitely get accepted.. he's doing really well here.

And God's plans, even when they are different than mine, are too good to pass up.

centered

2010-02-13T13:51:00.000-08:00

Some days, no matter how hard I try, I can't please everyone. Some days, I can't please anyone.

I don't consider myself a people pleaser. But there's an intimate circle of people who's opinion of me matters a great deal to me. When I can't please someone in that circle, it really bothers me.

We've been doing a class on marriage and last week we talked about love languages. I've known what mine are for a long time, but Danny Silk put a new twist on the one of the attributes of words of affirmation. People who use that as a main love language can be very sensitive to criticism.

I've been told that I'm just too sensitive. And I do have a hard time separating critique of something I've done with who I am, whether it's a painting or the way I handled a situation.

Anyway, when I get a critique or when someone is mad at me, it affects me a lot. And it can be quite distracting. I can't just carry on with my day knowing that someone who is important to me is feeling badly towards me.

This is my natural response, but I'm not convinced that it's right.

I know that my validation comes from God. I know who I am, and for the most part.. I like who I am. Not in an arrogant, I'm so perfect way. But I recognize that, through God's grace, I've come a long way and I'm still moving in a good direction. When I make a mistake, that's not what defines me.

I feel like it comes down to not being controlled by my situation. Even if I did say something stupid, that doesn't justify continuing to act in anger. Or to freak out and be overcome with guilt. I need to make it right, remember who God says I am, and move on.

I'm a pretty relational person. I don't get my joy in life from my career, some abstract dream or personal achievement. I get my joy from my relationships. So it can be really hard when one of those relationships isn't 100% kosher. But I can only do my part. And I can't force the other party to do their part. It feels unnatural to be at peace with that.. but I don't think there is peace without doing so.

So here I go, pursuing peace. Within myself, among my loved ones, and throughout the whole world.

Dream house

2010-02-06T11:06:00.000-08:00

http://sciencehax.com/2010/01/beautiful-home-built-from-recycled-materials/

I love that so people are getting on board with social justice issues.

I really hope it's not just a trendy thing to do.

One day, I want to live in a home like the one above.

Tears

2010-01-04T10:10:00.000-08:00

I've got to try and get this out quickly because I'm on my 15 minute break at work.. but my mind is racing. It has been for several weeks now.

"Our sadness is as much a part of our lives as our laughter." I posted this poem not too long ago. And maybe that's what got me thinking about it. That's such a true statement for me. I love songs that have a haunting piano riff in them. My favorite movies are the ones that make me cry the hardest.

It's not that I like feeling sad. I don't want other people to have problems for me to feel bad about. But there's something beautiful about pain. I know that sounds twisted and masochistic. I've tried to fight it, tried to cover it up. Part of me thinks it's because of something broken in me.

But I feel like there's so much more depth to life when you acknowledge both sides of the coin. Joy and happiness are so wonderful. My absolute favorite thing to do in the world is laugh. But I appreciate the times when I cry also.. that's my second favorite pastime.

I have no idea if this feeling is normal. It's very possible that I'm just completely melodramatic. And one day there will be no more tears, but that's because there won't be anymore pain. For now, there is pain. I guess I enjoy the beauty that can come from that place.

Anyway, at least the author of Ecclesiastes agrees with me..

There is "a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance" and "when times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other."

Freely Giving- Part II

2009-12-22T08:13:00.000-08:00

So I was reading more in The Happy Intercessor and I came across a passage that I think will really sum up what I was trying to say in my last blog:

"There is a mindset of performance that can grab hold of us and push us to do things for God that He is not asking us to do. When that happens, it takes us right out of rest. We can feel like we need to do for God so that He will approve of us. We think by doing this God will accept us more and maybe love us more. I'm telling you, you don't have to do a thing for God, and He will love you no less. So many of us have believed that we need to labor and perform for God so that we can gain an identity, so that we might be accepted. But in the Kingdom we start off accepted. From there our identity is formed. As intercessors, we need to pray out of that new identity, that core belief that says, "I am already accepted! I am already loved! I already have favor with God!" You see, we are already accepted. Unfortunately, many of our life experiences do not teach us this. In life, you get rewarded or receive approval if you do this or that. The Kingdom of God doesn't work that way. God is not sitting up in Heaven waiting to love you if you will do something for Him. He is a lot more interested in our entering into His love and rest...

You were dead because of your sins and because your sinful nature was not yet cut away. Then God made you alive with Christ, for he forgave all our sins. He canceled the record of the charges against us and took it away by nailing it to the cross. In this way, he disarmed the spiritual rulers and authorities. He shamed them publicly by his victory over them on the cross.
So don’t let anyone condemn you for what you eat or drink, or for not celebrating certain holy days or new moon ceremonies or Sabbaths. For these rules are only shadows of the reality yet to come. And Christ himself is that reality. -Col 2:13-17"

This is something that's tough for me to get sometimes. Faith without works is dead. We have to have works! But if we're just doing them to have works, it's no good. God's after our heart.

And if there wasn't any fruit at this church, I wouldn't listen to this advice at all. But there is. They regularly seek God's presence and He responds. And they love people. And people's lives are transformed. It's amazing.

So this is what I'm really trying to get. I believe it's what God wants for us. Then He's happy.. and we're happy.. and we're making other people happy... win, win, win!

Freely I have received and freely I will give

2009-12-20T17:32:00.000-08:00

One of the most awesome things I'm learning here at Bethel is to live from a Kingdom mentality. As you know, my heart cries out for social justice. It aches for the poor, the hopeless, the hungry. And sometimes I get overwhelmed thinking about all the need that exists in the world. Not that I think it's all on my shoulders.. but sometimes it begins to feel that way.

I've been reading this book called The Happy Intercessor by Beni Johnson, Bill's wife. It's revolutionized the way I pray. In it, she explains that she lived most of her life feeling deep pain for people and nations. She felt a heavy burden, but she didn't know what to do with it. Eventually she learned that this can be a call to intercession. To me, that's a funky word. I thought intercession = intense praying for a long time. And that was pretty much all I thought about it.. I had no personal interest.

But at this church, they have a strong focus on praying from God's kingdom and truth, not from fear. Praying against every little thing that could go wrong can be distracting and wearisome. But there's LIFE in the tongue.. we can release God's kingdom through our prayers. I'm filled with so much joy at this thought! There are constant spiritual battles going on. And instead of sitting on the sidelines, I can make a difference. I can speak freedom for the captives, hope for the hopeless. Because, for all my efforts in the physical, there's always something deeper going on.

I feel like I can cover so much more ground. I can sign petitions, sponsor children in Swaziland, provide food for neighbors who don't have enough and pray with authority that the kingdom of Heaven, where there is no lack or pain, will invade the earth.

Yeah.

Number One on My Playlist

2009-11-29T21:10:00.000-08:00

The rocks are going to cry out if we don't
Now's the time to raise a song
Hear creation shout loud
We will join our voices to the sound
Stand up, stand up the time has come

Sing it out, sing an anthem to His name
A generation worshipping unashamed
Giving all for the glory of our King
We will run, we will run after Your heart
We believe You all that You say You are
Giving all for the glory of our King
The glory of our King

The church is waking up now
To be Your Hands and feet upon this earth
Send us in Your power
As we take Heaven to a broken world

We are, we are a chosen people
We are, we are called to follow
We are, we are Your generation
You are, You are the God who saves us
You are, You are the God who sends us
You are, You are the God who's with us

-Matt Redman

This is my absolute favorite worship song right now. It's a good tune, but it's the lyrics that grip my heart.

That first line in bold caught me off guard the first time I heard it. God reveals so much of Himself to us.. in Scripture He is described as our Father, our husband, our friend, our comforter, etc. Yet, I don't think the church as a whole is convinced that all that is true. So that statement struck me as profound. We believe You are who You say You are, God. And the next step- we believe we are who You say we are.. the beloved. Chosen. Co-heirs. A royal priesthood. Come on.

In the next stanza, I just love declaring the kingdom of God now. Not the church will wake up. Not begging and pleading that people will begin to stir. The church is stepping up to the plate. We're walking into our calling.

And those last few lines.. God is the one who saves us, then sends us, and is always with us. That's who He is, that's what He does.

I really appreciate the mindset behind this song. It's not just a song of repentance, though those can be great. It's not even just a song of praise, and those are awesome. It's declaring truth.. As we declare it, we believe it. And we begin to live it.

ravings of an eternal optimist

2009-11-28T09:11:00.000-08:00

I've neglected blogging as of late.
I feel full of thoughts but empty of articulation.

This phase in my life is kind of surreal. Being here is almost like a break from our real lives.. it's just a really long trip. I am glad to be here. But sometimes it is hard. Some of our "stuff" has definitely been coming to the surface. I don't believe it would unless it's something that God wants to deal with in us. So our marriage is being purified.. and there are moments when that hurts. It's so easy to remember how good and faithful God is when things are easy and happy. But during trials, it's a whole lot more difficult. We each have a lens through which we view God and the rest of the world. If that lens is anything but "God is love. Everything He does is motivated by love. He wants to draw me to Him" then- everything sucks. It's just completely discouraging. When we remember the truth though.. His heart for us gives us victory and joy.

I reconnected with an old friend yesterday. It's so good to see how people have grown and changed, and how they've stayed the same. It makes me think about how I've changed and how I'm the same. For me, looking back on my roots makes me feel empowered.. to hold on to, and pursue, the things in me that I like, and to move on from the things that I don't.
"It is never to late to be what you might have been." George Eliot

One of my favorite things about being on the west coast that we have an autumn. Yesterday I drove home through several miles of trees that were red, orange and yellow. It was so beautiful.. You can't have a moment like that and not stop and think about the goodness in life. There is beauty in every season, in every moment. It certainly doesn't always look like what we'd expect, but it's there. We always have hope.

I can't explain it, but this made me want to cry

2009-10-27T17:11:00.000-07:00

“Some people do not have to search, for they find their niche early in life and rest there seemingly contented and resigned.

At times, I envy them but usually I do not understand them…
And seldom do they understand me.

I am one of those searchers.

There are, I believe, millions of us. We are not unhappy, but neither are we completely content.

We continue to explore ourselves, hoping to understand.

We like to walk along the beach; we are drawn to the ocean, taken by its power and unceasing motion, its mystery and unspeakable beauty.

We like forests, mountains, deserts, hidden rivers, and lovely cities as well. Our sadness is as much a part of our lives as our laughter. We are ambitious only for life itself and for anything beautiful it can provide.

Most of all, we want to love and be loved, to live in a relationship that will not impede our wanderings and prevent our search.

We do not want to prove ourselves to others or compete for love.

This passage is for wanderers, dreamers, and lovers who dare to ask of life everything which is good and beautiful.”

- Author Unknown

Another world is possible

2009-10-19T11:22:00.000-07:00

Last night a woman named Tracy Evans shared with Bethel. Bryon actually got to hear her earlier in the week and he told me she was amazing, but I was completely blown away!

Tracy is a missionary to Mozambique. She's a teeny, gentle woman and she has changed thousands of lives. She touched my heart so much.. I just have to share what she's doing.

One thing her team does to help the community is caring for 600 babies every week. Many young mothers die while the babies are just infants, and then there is no way to feed them. Tracy and her team have made a deal.. if another member of the family will take responsibility for the young one, they can bring the child in once a week and they will supply a week's worth of formula and health care for the child and the family member who brings them in. This way, the babies are still able to live with their families and grow up in the African culture, instead of becoming isolated from them. On top of that, they've seen many of the young woman and children healed of AIDS!

They also run a prison ministry. They go to the jail almost every day and do a Bible study. The prisoners are dependant on their families to supply food. Tracy's team has been able to have some of the men come to their fields and help with the farming. Then, when they harvest the crop, they bring some of the food back to the prison!

In Mozambique, everyone runs out and plants their whole crop after the first rain. One year, after they had done that, it didn't rain again and everyone's crop died. Someone donated a bunch of new seeds to Tracy's ministry.. but instead of planting them, she gave them away to the rest of the village and she decided to raise their crop from the dead.. and it worked!! Not only did their crop grow, but it yielded 60% more than usual!

This woman works in an area that is predominately Muslim. She has been arrested by the unfriendly guerrilla fighters 3 times. She got shipwrecked for a year on a tiny island.. and by the time she left, everyone of the island knew Jesus.

I know that reading about someone seems distant. But Tracy is so real. It seems so possible. She is out there doing the work of God. And she made sure to emphasize that she doesn't regret a thing. I want to be able to say that.

This is the heart of our God. To care for the poor and the orphans. To heal the sick and raise the dead. To provide abundance out of nothing.

I am filled with joy and anticipation.

Original

2009-10-10T10:52:00.000-07:00

I tried and tried to find the quote on the internet, but I'm pretty terrible about remembering the exact wording of anything. The gist was:

"It's better to be a first rate you than a poor man's someone else."

That struck me. For the entirety of my adolescence I tried to find my identity in other people. Sometimes I admired them for good reasons, sometimes not. I wanted to be as smart as this person, as pretty as that girl, as witty as him... I never felt like just being me was enough of anything to stand on.

The older I've gotten the less of an issue this has been. I've become much more secure. But I still catch myself comparing. Wondering how I measure up. Now, I do this concerning my looks, personality.. and my spirituality.

I'd grown very comfortable at home. I knew who I was. I knew where I fit. Here at Bethel, the environment is so different.. it's challenging in a wonderful way. But there are some less than fabulous challenges as well.

Spiritually it's so good for me. My box is ever expanding. My relationship with Christ growing more intimate. My understanding of who God is and who he sees me as is becoming much clearer.

However, many of the girls here are very pretty and incredibly trendy. There's a focus on the arts here and fashion is seen as one of the realms that the church needs to take leadership in. That's fine, I guess. But that's not my field. Not my call. Sometimes, though, it feels intimidating being around all these girls who are leading the way.

My first reaction was to judge myself. I don't look the same as them = there's something wrong with me. But I remembered getting to where I am. In my situation, feeling the need to look a certain way is something God has been setting me free from. So out came the T-shirts!

Then.. I found myself judging them. Obviously, this is revelation I've attained and they just aren't there yet. How dare they be so shallow! = Nope, not accurate. Bad on my part.

I've prayed for years that I would be transformed through the Holy Spirit to look like Shane Claiborne. Oh no, wait.. to look like Jesus! I gave Him my life and said He could use me however He wanted to. If that looks different than others, what difference does that make?

I know there are gifts and desires in me that are unique. I have the freedom to pursue my own dreams, even if not everybody feels that same passion. For so long, I wondered if I was lacking something because the things I longed for were different than the majority.

But God is a big God. He's got lots of dreams. And He's trusted me with some that are a little less common. How awesome! He considered me responsible enough to be trusted with them.

I will be found faithful.

loved

2009-09-18T14:19:00.000-07:00

I honestly don't know what to write in here...

There's so much in my head, I'm not sure I can put in words in any way that makes sense. I feel like I'm being ripped up by my roots. All the fears I've kept in my heart are being pulled out. And it's kind of painful. It's actually terrifying to be so humbled. I feel like a baby taking my first steps.. like there's this whole new level I hadn't even dreamt of before.

I'm not sure if this is something I'll experience this one time, or if every time God takes me deeper I'll feel the same way. This time, I prayed that I would be humbled. That God would take everything I was holding on to. And He's doing it. I didn't even realize how fearful I was.. of being loved and accepted. Crazy. His name is Love.

I feel so cherished.. there's so many ways He's made it clear that He is pursuing me. And there are so many ways I've been hiding from that. I'm believing that there is so much more He can and will do in me. I believe I can be different from this moment onward. That there are deeper places He wants to take me.

I kind of hate admitting all of this. This is basic, right? God loves us.. duh. I've known it on the surface for so long.. but.. it's just different now. He is doing a new thing.

Behold, I have come for you. I come like a river to purify. I will bring water to your soul and give life to the gifts that are within. As I pour in my love, peace and justice will flow out..
You will be holy, as I am holy.

job description

2009-09-02T06:16:00.000-07:00

This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.
John 15:12-13

What does it really mean to love others as Jesus has loved us?
To lay down our lives.

So what does that look like?

I believe, to lay down our lives for God, means to serve Him with everything we are. To worship Him because He is worthy, no matter what's going on in our lives or what we're doing at that exact moment in time. We worship Him because we love Him. We love Him because He first loved us. And He, in His wonderful love, laid down His life. Literally. It cost Him everything.

What is it costing us to follow Him?

And what is costing us to love others?

For the longest time, I thought that meant being nice to every single person I met. And even that was kind of hard. You know, smiling at people, being in a good mood, listening to a friend even if you're busy.... but now I don't think that's quite what Jesus meant. His love for us put Him on a cross.

So for me to truly love other people, the way Jesus wants me to, must take a little more. My time, my energy, my money, my passion. Loving people with action. Helping them find freedom, feeding them, clothing them.. in a way that, often times, costs me something.

This is a more demanding call than I thought I signed up for initially. But then, Jesus is a lot more than I thought at first. He's more real than I could've imagined before I followed Him. And this cry within my heart is not fading away. It's everywhere I look. It's in everything I want to do with my life.

I'm currently looking for a job in California. At first I thought I'd try to work for a bank or an insurance company.. something to pay the bills. And my time not working would be so awesome! But now.. I hate that idea. I don't know what job I'll end up with. But I feel like, to be a good steward with my time and resources, I should work somewhere that's doing good. Obviously, everybody can't work for a nonprofit organization. But this burden for social justice is so heavy on my heart.. I have to try.

Whether it ends up being my job or not, this is something I feel called to so strongly. As long as I believe that's what God is doing in me, I have to pursue it with everything I am.

While Bryon is making a smore...

2009-08-31T18:47:00.000-07:00

We've been gone for 6 days.

Most of you know, I was pretty sad before we left. My friends, family, job- my whole life was in Florida. Then, Bryon and I packed up and left everything except our car, clothes and each other.

From a more objective view, I'm sure it was pretty clear that this was going to be exciting, but it was kind of hard for me to see that. Or at least to believe it.

But now, I feel so adventurous! As predicted by some wise individuals, Bryon and I's relationship is so awesome.. and this is just the beginning. Especially for the past couple months, we've been surrounded by other loved ones. That was truly fantastic, but it being just the two of us, for hours on end, has been a lot of fun. I had my doubts.. I can get really irritable. We've been praying for a lot of love and grace, and God's been faithful :)

I was thinking earlier about the things that I "need" in my life to be happy. The more I thought about it, the shorter that list got. It's so much fun to dream, and it's important to pursue those dreams.. but even if you end up with something completely different, there's so much beauty in this life.

God's plan is so much better than ours.. His ways are so much higher. If I only followed a path that I thought up I'd be so limited. There's so much more. I feel like I'm getting to experience more than I'd dreamed of before.

And, as I said... it's just the beginning.

The dirty truth

2009-08-12T10:47:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I get so frustrated.

I feel like I'm doing so well.. and then I get angry with someone and give them attitude. Or I get in a bad mood and shut out the people around. Even if they are the ones who care about me the most.. especially if they are the ones who care about me the most.

What is it that drags me back?? I know its my flesh.. but geez. He who is in me is greater, right? I'm so impatient. To be honest, I want it to come naturally. I want it to be easy. And I want that to happen now. Patience, perseverance, discipline.. that takes a whole lotta time.

God is still making things messier in our relationship. And sometimes it hurts. Sometimes it's stuff I really don't want to see. Stuff I would've sworn that I definitely don't struggly with. Actually, it's easier for me to say that I don't "struggle" with anything. I'm just becoming more and more perfect. (This is a crock, and I know it- thanks)

But sometimes it sucks to admit I have issues. How will everyone think I'm wonderful if they're all seeing my junk? Even this feels so awkward to be writing. Maybe I'll just keep it as a draft...

I started really praying not too long ago that God would bring my imperfections to the surface, to refine and sanctify me. But when I prayed that, I didn't realize how personal it would be. Selfish, jealous, insecure and proud. That's me. I do appreciate how deep He's going. I would rather be uncomfortable than complacent. And He's following through with my request.

I'm thankful that nothing I do surprises God. That He knew every mistake I would make, every dark piece of my heart, and then He chose me. I take so much comfort in that.

Woe to those who are wise in their own eyes and clever in their own sight. Is 5:21

The Heart of Life

2009-08-05T04:37:00.001-07:00

I hate to see you cry
Lying there in that position
There's things you need to hear
So turn off your tears and listen

Pain throws you heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go the way, it should
But I know the heart of life is good

You know it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
Then the circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go the way, it should
But I know the heart of life is good

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who's misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good

I know it's good

-John Mayer

balance

2009-07-29T10:42:00.000-07:00

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
my heart and my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

This has pretty much been my prayer, the cry of my heart. Worship AND service. I know both are absolutely essential. Please, please pray for me to have the right balance. I don't want to be so caught up in my personal relationship with God that I forget his heart for other people. And I don't want to be so focused on works that I take my eyes off of Jesus.

Jesus said to him, What is written in the Law? How do you read it? And he replied, You must love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind; and your neighbor as yourself. And Jesus said to him, You have answered correctly; do this, and you will live [enjoy active, blessed, endless life in the kingdom of God]. Luke 10:26-28

This is clearly the heart of God. Loving him (worship) and loving people (service). I feel as though in different periods in my life I've been more focused on one or the other.. but I don't think that's right. We can't just choose the parts of God's call that we like and leave out the rest. Over the past couple years, I've focused a lot on Shane Claiborne and Bill Johnson. I believe they each encompass God's call, though it looks very different. And I think that's ok. They are both loving God and loving others. I just want to sort out how that looks in my own life.

For most of my life I think I was significantly more focused on learning who God is and delving deeper in my relationship with him. That's a beautiful thing, but it stayed primarily internal. As of late, a passion for social justice has been so stirred in my heart.. and I want to embrace that- but without neglected the former.

I'm sure this is something that will balance out over the course of my life. I feel like I'm stepping into my call and it's very exciting. I just want to be sure to stay on the right track.

barbarian

2009-07-28T10:55:00.000-07:00

"There is a barbarian revolt taking place, and its command center is the kingdom of God. Everywhere the kingdom of God advances, there is a violent engagement against a dark kingdom. To be born of God is to be made a citizen in the kingdom of God, and the kingdom of God is at war. Do not confuse this kingdom with Paradise. Salvation is not reentry into a Paradise Lost; it is enlistment in the kingdom of God.
Jesus is telling us in no uncertain terms that there is a battle raging. This is perhaps the most important reason why we must choose the barbarian way and resist any temptation to become civilized. Domesticated Christians are far too willing to abdicate the battle for the soul of the world. Civility focuses our energy on all the wrong places. We spend our lives emphasizing our personal development and spiritual well-being. We build churches that become nothing more than hiding places for the faithful while pretending that our actions are for the good of the world. Or we choose political or secular vehicles to try to advance our cultural values, strangely attempting to make unbelieving people act like civilized believers.
In contrast Jesus calls us to a different way. He tells us this is a battle of kingdoms. He insists that if we are His followers, we must not live in a world defined only by the material. We cannot limit our sights to what is flesh and blood. We should know better than that. To see from a kingdom perspective is to know that there is a conflict of invisible kingdoms and that people's lives are forever changed by what happens in the unseen. We are called to be warriors of light in dark places. We are mystical warriors who use weapons not of this world."
-Erwin McManus, The Barbarian Way

This scares the crap out of me. Yet it resonates deep within my soul. Being a part of the kingdom of God requires EVERYTHING we have and EVERYTHING we are. Becoming a follower of Christ does not make life "easier." But it does make it worth something.
For so long I've limited my Christianity to my personal theology. But it's so much more than that.. we're God's body here on earth. He has a purpose. And he plans on using us to accomplish that purpose.
I wish I knew exactly what that is going to look like for me, but I really don't. I just want to open to it, whatever it is. Lately, I've been praying that God will break out of every box I've put him in. And that he will break down anything I lean on besides him. No matter what the cost.. it's worth it to truly follow him.
It's so much more than I signed up for. I know we're supposed to count the cost before. But I'm realizing more and more now that the deeper I go with God, the more he invests in me, the more that will be required. And I know that I want my life's purpose to be used as his vessel.
It's a little terrifying. And incredibly exhilarating.

apples to apples

2009-07-24T10:23:00.000-07:00

This morning I was reading Luke 13 which includes the parable of the fig tree. In this gospel's version, it goes like this:

6-7Then he told them a story: "A man had an apple tree planted in his front yard. He came to it expecting to find apples, but there weren't any. He said to his gardener, 'What's going on here? For three years now I've come to this tree expecting apples and not one apple have I found. Chop it down! Why waste good ground with it any longer?'
8-9"The gardener said, 'Let's give it another year. I'll dig around it and fertilize, and maybe it will produce next year; if it doesn't, then chop it down.'"

I've always heard about Christians needing to bear fruit or get thrown into the fire. What stuck out to me when I read this though, was the gardener intervening on the tree's behalf. I was struck by the patience and faithfulness of the gardener. I think of all my years growing up in church, not applying what I was hearing.. and I'm so grateful I didn't get chopped.

Don't get me wrong, faith without works is dead. But God's love is everlasting and He is slow to anger. Thank Jesus that He finally got ahold of me.

Happiest place on earth

2009-07-19T09:18:00.000-07:00

part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FfWYQIMRzqk part 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h6iEjR2q2Nw part 3: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HLVOq0RV2-0 part 4: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a3-2rr2RPSg

These videos are awesome! God moves in such a raw way... in Disneyland =)
This is the kind of transforming power I absolutely believe God has put in all of us. If we follow God in a radical way, He will use us. God's heart for us is life and healing.. may we walk in His footsteps.

Guatemala 1

2009-07-14T06:46:00.000-07:00

Being back in the USA is a little hard. I'm so glad to be back with all of our loved ones, but I'm so sad to be away from Panamaquin. It's probably how I'm going to feel in 5 weeks when we move to California.
I loved it there. I loved how much we were able to slow down and focus on prayer, worship, studying and loving people. It feels like that's what we are supposed to be doing. Yesterday I worked all day, and I loved seeing my co-workers and catching up with some friends. But I did not love following up with our insurance company, paying bills and remembering that we have nowhere to live in a couple months.
I know this is a part of life. I know nobody enjoys tedious, monotonous, everyday tasks. I'm so grateful we were able to go be a part of something so wonderful. God did so much in us while we were there. I'm praying and praying that each of us hold on to that. I was so content there. The Bible makes it pretty clear that we going to go through testing... If I can be content there, I can be content here.
God alone can keep us strong, keep us close to Him. That's the cry of my heart, and He is faithful.
In Panamaquin there is very little access to the internet, few tvs and one school. At first I thought "their world is so small!" Then I went to the top of the mountain and looked at miles and miles of villages and cities and realized.... my world is so small.
God is so far outside of my box. He is everywhere, in everything. He is in Guatemala, Florida and California. He is my foundation and my fortress. He alone is my joy and my strength. Every day, I'm thankful that He opens my eyes to see more of who He is.

dreams have changed

2009-06-23T06:10:00.000-07:00

Last night, after some deliberation, I decided that when I wake up this morning, I'd get my coffee and read in bed for at least an hour. That was one of my favorite things to do about 5 years ago... since then, life has changed a good bit and gotten a lot busier.
So, I woke up and started the coffee.. while it was brewing I wanted to check in on the Guatemala blogs. Other people had posted some new stuff as well... Now, half an hour later, I realized that my dreams have changed.
I will always love to read in bed. It's a wonderful way to spend a rainy afternoon. This a small piece of the puzzle.. Last night, I wasn't going to read so that I could pack (which is becoming more and more urgent.) Now, I'm not reading my fiction novel because connecting and creating is just more important to me.
There's more to life than I've ever realized before. I love that I've learned so much about who I am and what my dreams are in the past few months. I didn't figure everything out when I was 18 or when I got married. And I'm not planning on having it all down when I turn 25 or 40.
Getting into heaven isn't what being a Christian is all about. We follow Christ here on earth to know and share His love. When you aren't so consumed with the destination alone, you're much more free to enjoy the journey. Cliche as that may be, I'm still getting it.

my purpose

2009-06-18T07:46:00.000-07:00

I've been wanting to start blogging for awhile. Last semester, my teacher told us (as English majors) that each one of us should absolutely be doing it- but I haven't. Now, with Guatemala, California and who knows what else coming up, it's time.
This past weekend I took a road trip with a friend to visit Morning Star. Our time at the church was awesome, but I was most encouraged by our conversations during the 9 hour drives to and from SC. Last week, while at work, I realized how much I long for connection with people. My mom works with me and I noticed how much I try to talk to her.. not about anything important, I just want to be feeding that relationship. I'll tell her how nice my highlighter is working if there's nothing else to say, just to feel close. When I told Katie this, I half expected her to give me a strange look and change the subject, but then she said... "me too!"
People are so relational. We long to be connected to others, to be accepted and desired. If we feel it strongly enough to make somewhat pointless conversation, how much more must God be longing for our constant attention and affection?
Paul encourages us to pray without ceasing, and while I definitely believe this is for our own growth and well-being, I also believe that God is a lover yearning to be close to us.
I know how strong that hope is in me, and there's no one else who can satisfy that hunger like He can. I believe that's what we were created for.. relationship with God and with each other. Everything else is mundane. How awesome is it that God wants to enjoy us as we enjoy Him??