107: Feeling Ambitious

Recently my housemate started this life coaching course. She said one of the things they encourage everyone to do is to have a list of at least 100 dreams. Seemed like a good idea to me.. so here goes!

1. Work for a nonprofit company doing good in the world.

2. Say and be told "I love you" every day

3. Say and be told "I miss you" from someone far away

4. Start wearing a toe ring again

5. Paint something I'm proud to have done

6. Go to Europe (England and France, specifically)

7. Cook dinner from scratch for a group of people

8. Live in an intentional community

9. Be friends with at least 3 of the same people in 20 years

10. Write a book, a more serious blog, a pamphlet.. something legit.

11. Sew a dress

12. Laugh every single day

13. Have a pic-nic with champagne

14. Grow a garden in the ground

15. Save someone's life

16. Take a photography or art class

17. Give myself a french pedicure

18. Go a year without purchasing any clothes

19. Take Kelsea out for sushi

20. Sing in public

21. At least pursue the thought of getting my master's degree

22. Read through the entire Bible

23. Go out on a sail boat

24. Keep a journal throughout my life

25. See an end to poverty and world hunger

26. See an end to war

27. Travel by mostly public transportation

28. Make a cheesecake

29. Come up with a list of 100 dreams

30. Read The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis

31. Spend an entire day outside

33. Own every Beatles album

34. Invent a great recipe

35. Learn more about computers

36. Compost all organic matter

37. Recycle everything else

38. Maintain my current weight or less (except for pregnancy, obviously)

39. Brighten a stranger's day

40. Pay back all of my student loans

41. Do a 40 day fast

42. Join a book club

43. Swim near a waterfall

44. Baby sit a young couple's kids for free

45. Renew our wedding vows after it gets tough

46. Have an art/worship/creation room in my home

47. Go to San Francisco

48. While there, visit MOMA

49. See Phantom of the Opera on Broadway

50. Live within walking distance of a library, coffee shop and park

51. Be part of a peaceful protest

52. Grow my own herbs and make my own tea

53. Ride a bicycle (I had a traumatic experience when I was 12 and haven't been on one since)

54. Dress up like someone from the 1920's

55. Watch the sun rise on the east coast

56. Watch the sun set on the west coast

57. Dance at an 80's club (and a 90's club, if those exist yet)

58. Solve a crime

59. Write to someone in prison

60. Help a village in a developing country become sustainable (clean water, farming and education system)

61. Go to Africa

62. Do a self-portrait (either painted or photographed)

63. Actually make the soundtrack of my life

64. Seriously look into adoption or foster care

65. Go to PAPA Fest

66. See the redwood forest

67. Worship at my darkest moment

68. Get one more tattoo

69. Become fluent in Spanish

70. Change an unjust law

71. Walk through a meadow barefoot and pick wildflowers

72. Go one week eating veggies only

73. Make a scrap book

74. Understand what fascism means

75. Volunteer regularly

76. Make ice cream

77. Buy Christmas presents for a low-income family

78. Spend at least one day exploring New York City

79. Learn how to tell time on a sundial

80. Ride a train

81. Read a biography about Mother Teresa

82. Read a biography about Mohatma Gandhi

83. Be an editor

84. Go backpacking

85. Go one day eating only things I've grown

86. Go on a trip by myself

87. Visit the Louvre

88. Tutor/mentor a child

89. Drink enough water every day

90. Spend a lot of quality time with my family (immediate- including all siblings and future)

91. Perform at least 5 random acts of kindness for complete strangers (clean their bathroom, buy their lunch, rake their lawn)

92. Walk on the water

93. Spend a day walking around a city enjoying the local businesses

94. Write letters to the people I love

95. Have used furniture and decorate it myself

96. Cover my house in local/self-made art

97. Not work 9-5 Monday though Friday in a cubicle

98. Go to a music festival

99. See the beauty in every moment and thank the Lord for it

100. Spend time in someone of a different culture's shoes.. or bare feet

101. Live in the downtown part of a city

102. Never complain again

103. Do a photo shoot

104. Have a big front porch

105. Celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary

106. Not take any person for granted

107. In 10, 20, 40 and 60 years, see how I’ve done on my list. And add to it.

So doing this ended up taking longer than I thought it would. And it challenged me. Made me hone in on what my priorities in this life are. I would encourage everyone to give it a try.

every plan is a tiny prayer to father time

My plan was to come to Redding for 9 months, get everything we needed and immediately jet back home to Florida.

That is probably not what is going to actually take place.

Bryon started talking about wanting to stay for second year pretty quickly. I was horrified. I told him there was absolutely no way. I maintained that stand for about 6 months. Then I decided to actually seek the Lord about it.

I woke up the next morning knowing that we were staying. I didn't hear God's voice, didn't even feel guided in a specific direction while I was praying. But I knew. But I did not share that with Bryon.

I started telling friends and family that we might stay.. that was the scariest part of this process for me. Literally, the day I told the last person I was worried about was the day God made it crystal clear.

I was sitting outside of a local coffee shop on the phone with said person. Then one of the other Bethel students, who I'd met but didn't really know, came up to me with a prophetic drawing. She felt like it was for me. This drawing is of a person standing in front of two mountains with the sun rising between them. The person has his/her arms up in praise. She wrote on the back that this is the valley of indecision, but there is joy in the mountain tops.

I freaked out.

This may sound like just a massive coincidence to you, but I'm positive that was God guiding me. Bryon picked me up a few minutes later and I told him to go ahead and apply for second year.

I'm not going to lie, there's a part of me that's hoping God was just testing me and Bryon won't get in. That's a pretty selfish desire, I know. Bryon will almost definitely get accepted.. he's doing really well here.

And God's plans, even when they are different than mine, are too good to pass up.

centered

Some days, no matter how hard I try, I can't please everyone. Some days, I can't please anyone.

I don't consider myself a people pleaser. But there's an intimate circle of people who's opinion of me matters a great deal to me. When I can't please someone in that circle, it really bothers me.

We've been doing a class on marriage and last week we talked about love languages. I've known what mine are for a long time, but Danny Silk put a new twist on the one of the attributes of words of affirmation. People who use that as a main love language can be very sensitive to criticism.

I've been told that I'm just too sensitive. And I do have a hard time separating critique of something I've done with who I am, whether it's a painting or the way I handled a situation.

Anyway, when I get a critique or when someone is mad at me, it affects me a lot. And it can be quite distracting. I can't just carry on with my day knowing that someone who is important to me is feeling badly towards me.

This is my natural response, but I'm not convinced that it's right.

I know that my validation comes from God. I know who I am, and for the most part.. I like who I am. Not in an arrogant, I'm so perfect way. But I recognize that, through God's grace, I've come a long way and I'm still moving in a good direction. When I make a mistake, that's not what defines me.

I feel like it comes down to not being controlled by my situation. Even if I did say something stupid, that doesn't justify continuing to act in anger. Or to freak out and be overcome with guilt. I need to make it right, remember who God says I am, and move on.

I'm a pretty relational person. I don't get my joy in life from my career, some abstract dream or personal achievement. I get my joy from my relationships. So it can be really hard when one of those relationships isn't 100% kosher. But I can only do my part. And I can't force the other party to do their part. It feels unnatural to be at peace with that.. but I don't think there is peace without doing so.

So here I go, pursuing peace. Within myself, among my loved ones, and throughout the whole world.

Dream house

http://sciencehax.com/2010/01/beautiful-home-built-from-recycled-materials/

I love that so people are getting on board with social justice issues.

I really hope it's not just a trendy thing to do.

One day, I want to live in a home like the one above.

Tears

I've got to try and get this out quickly because I'm on my 15 minute break at work.. but my mind is racing. It has been for several weeks now.

"Our sadness is as much a part of our lives as our laughter." I posted this poem not too long ago. And maybe that's what got me thinking about it. That's such a true statement for me. I love songs that have a haunting piano riff in them. My favorite movies are the ones that make me cry the hardest.

It's not that I like feeling sad. I don't want other people to have problems for me to feel bad about. But there's something beautiful about pain. I know that sounds twisted and masochistic. I've tried to fight it, tried to cover it up. Part of me thinks it's because of something broken in me.

But I feel like there's so much more depth to life when you acknowledge both sides of the coin. Joy and happiness are so wonderful. My absolute favorite thing to do in the world is laugh. But I appreciate the times when I cry also.. that's my second favorite pastime.

I have no idea if this feeling is normal. It's very possible that I'm just completely melodramatic. And one day there will be no more tears, but that's because there won't be anymore pain. For now, there is pain. I guess I enjoy the beauty that can come from that place.

Anyway, at least the author of Ecclesiastes agrees with me..

There is "a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance" and "when times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other."

Freely Giving- Part II

So I was reading more in The Happy Intercessor and I came across a passage that I think will really sum up what I was trying to say in my last blog:

"There is a mindset of performance that can grab hold of us and push us to do things for God that He is not asking us to do. When that happens, it takes us right out of rest. We can feel like we need to do for God so that He will approve of us. We think by doing this God will accept us more and maybe love us more. I'm telling you, you don't have to do a thing for God, and He will love you no less. So many of us have believed that we need to labor and perform for God so that we can gain an identity, so that we might be accepted. But in the Kingdom we start off accepted. From there our identity is formed. As intercessors, we need to pray out of that new identity, that core belief that says, "I am already accepted! I am already loved! I already have favor with God!" You see, we are already accepted. Unfortunately, many of our life experiences do not teach us this. In life, you get rewarded or receive approval if you do this or that. The Kingdom of God doesn't work that way. God is not sitting up in Heaven waiting to love you if you will do something for Him. He is a lot more interested in our entering into His love and rest...

You were dead because of your sins and because your sinful nature was not yet cut away. Then God made you alive with Christ, for he forgave all our sins. He canceled the record of the charges against us and took it away by nailing it to the cross. In this way, he disarmed the spiritual rulers and authorities. He shamed them publicly by his victory over them on the cross.
So don’t let anyone condemn you for what you eat or drink, or for not celebrating certain holy days or new moon ceremonies or Sabbaths. For these rules are only shadows of the reality yet to come. And Christ himself is that reality. -Col 2:13-17"

This is something that's tough for me to get sometimes. Faith without works is dead. We have to have works! But if we're just doing them to have works, it's no good. God's after our heart.

And if there wasn't any fruit at this church, I wouldn't listen to this advice at all. But there is. They regularly seek God's presence and He responds. And they love people. And people's lives are transformed. It's amazing.

So this is what I'm really trying to get. I believe it's what God wants for us. Then He's happy.. and we're happy.. and we're making other people happy... win, win, win!

Freely I have received and freely I will give

One of the most awesome things I'm learning here at Bethel is to live from a Kingdom mentality. As you know, my heart cries out for social justice. It aches for the poor, the hopeless, the hungry. And sometimes I get overwhelmed thinking about all the need that exists in the world. Not that I think it's all on my shoulders.. but sometimes it begins to feel that way.

I've been reading this book called The Happy Intercessor by Beni Johnson, Bill's wife. It's revolutionized the way I pray. In it, she explains that she lived most of her life feeling deep pain for people and nations. She felt a heavy burden, but she didn't know what to do with it. Eventually she learned that this can be a call to intercession. To me, that's a funky word. I thought intercession = intense praying for a long time. And that was pretty much all I thought about it.. I had no personal interest.

But at this church, they have a strong focus on praying from God's kingdom and truth, not from fear. Praying against every little thing that could go wrong can be distracting and wearisome. But there's LIFE in the tongue.. we can release God's kingdom through our prayers. I'm filled with so much joy at this thought! There are constant spiritual battles going on. And instead of sitting on the sidelines, I can make a difference. I can speak freedom for the captives, hope for the hopeless. Because, for all my efforts in the physical, there's always something deeper going on.

I feel like I can cover so much more ground. I can sign petitions, sponsor children in Swaziland, provide food for neighbors who don't have enough and pray with authority that the kingdom of Heaven, where there is no lack or pain, will invade the earth.

Yeah.