It was you who I wanted to be talking to..

There are now over 7 billion people alive in the world, right? That's a lot of people. I can't even begin to fathom what that number actually means.

Lately, I've been feeling like I have all these crazy thoughts. About anything and everything. Sometimes I share them. The crazier the thought is, the less of a chance that person will relate to what I'm saying. I feel incredibly blessed, because I do have people in my life that I can relate to. But no matter how much I share with any one of them, we aren't exactly the same.

This particular thought actually started while I was looking through the music on my Zune. I wondered "Does anybody have exactly the same music as I do?" My initial response was no way, of course not. 7 billion people is a lot though. Well, most of them probably don't have music players. But there's still a lot of people that do.

So that made me wonder if there's anyone out there who feels the exact same way about any number of things.. Is there someone who has the exact same political beliefs? Anyone who dresses the same? Anyone who feels the same way about Dean Koontz? Someone who dances just like I do? Likes exactly the same foods?

Is there anyone who has the exact same image of who God is?

Probably not. To any of those. I mean, maybe they feel the same about Dean Koontz. But many of my own opinions are so complicated and dynamic. The way I see God changes every single day. I learn something more about his heart, his love for people, his love for me.. or what he wants for me.

And because of how big God is, and how small I am, I can never understand everything there is to him. And I always have something to learn from other people. I fully believe that's intentional.

I'm going to slaughter the actual quote, but I heard Bill Johnson say something like "God made us relational. We can't get everything we need from God alone. Otherwise, we could all be hermits and not love each other."

Happy, um, Independence Day

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with being political all the time. I first started to write a blog about Independence Day and how I think we're not all that independent at all (FOREIGN oil). But sometimes that feels like such a burden. And I don't think that Jesus meant for us to be free for a little while.. until we pick up the next issue. Whether that be an alcohol problem or a social agenda. I keep coming back to Christ setting us free "for freedom's sake." Not so our chest could feel crushed by something else. So we could know true rest, joy, freedom. Because that's how he loves us.

So, even though I'm not the most patriotic person you'll ever meet, I'm thankful to be where I am. In the U.S.A. I have the freedom to express my dissatisfaction in a blog or during a protest. I have the freedom to spend time with my loved ones. I have the freedom to dance around. I have the freedom to enjoy a good cup of fair trade coffee. I have the freedom to fall asleep next to my husband. And I have the freedom to make a difference.

I have a ton to be grateful for. And I believe that every gift is from above. I also believe that not expressing my thanks would kind of be a slap in the face to the one who gave everything to me.

A thankful heart
Prepares the way
For You, my God
Come fall on us
We fall on You
A thankful heart
Will be our rhythm
Come fall on us
We fall on You
A thankful heart
Will be our song

skeleton me

I want to..

get my dessert out of the fridge even though it needs to chill for 2 more hours.

"like" every status and photo on someone's Facebook so they laugh the next time they check it.

go a month only wearing 6 articles of clothing.

never lose myself to a bad mood.

be able to paint all the pictures in my head.

get my Zune in the mail right now.


I am..

starting to feel sleepy.

already excited about our Florida trip in October.

convinced that I'm not always right.

stoked that Safeway had peppermint mocha creamer in the middle of June.

an overcomer.


I'm not always satisfied with where I am. But maybe that's the motivation I need.

Hebrews 12:1-2

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne."

Does this passage make anyone else really excited? Because I am totally ecstatic after reading it.

To start, I'm not sure who is in the cloud of witnesses. But whether they are angels, fellow believers or even loved ones who have passed on, it's clear that these witnesses are an encouragement to us.

I love the image of us running this race, being weighed down, getting tired.. then looking at Jesus- and everything changes. The burdens of life slide off. The sin that so easily entangles us is removed. And then we run with perseverance: not getting distracted, not getting defeated.

The Lord called us to this race. And he did not ask to run just so we could get worn out and give up. If he called us to run after him, we must be able to do it. In his grace, he enables us to run, full speed, to the end. There are distractions and burdens, but he gives us a way out. He gives us the strength we need.

I love the picture of Jesus "disregarding" the shame of the cross. All the guilt and condemnation we carry.. Jesus took it. And he overcame it. Disregard usually means "oh, that was no big deal, just ignore it." That's such an awesome way to put it. Jesus took ALL of our shame and looked ahead at the joy of being with the Father and uniting us with the Father and it was no issue.

I truly believe that the same Holy Spirit that was in Jesus has been given to us. I don't believe God has put us in a world that is going to destroy us. It's not always easy, but it's always possible.

It's my sincere hope that we can all learn to run this marathon just as God intended us to- victoriously.

Dos Anos

May 25 marked our second wedding anniversary. I feel like Bryon and I have been together long enough to be transparent about our relationship.

We are happy. We're still in love. We will have a 50th anniversary.
But the last couple of years have had some rough moments.

I've thought a lot about how much easier marriage made the whole sexual sin thing for me. And not having to wonder "is this relationship God's will for my life??" That thought plagued me years before I met Bryon. So it seemed like life got much easier. Now I could get on with my dreams, you know? But marriage isn't the Happily Ever After of life. In many ways, it's been the beginning to my journey.

Marriage is incredibly trying. I started to realize how often I am selfish, how often I act in anger. And since I'm with my husband most of the time.. I've realized how much of my time is spent not doing the things I say I want to do.

I've learned more about grace in the last two years than any other period of my life. There are times when I positively do NOT want to forgive Bryon. But that is so not what God does, nor what he wants me to do. There are other times when I screw up and I hurt him. That sucks. And it makes me think about how I can hurt God's heart also.

But love covers all of that. Not always perfectly in marriage. We're learning. It's definitely a long road. But always perfectly from God. Love, love, love and TONS of grace. I can't even begin to understand how much it takes for each one of us, how much he loves us. Or how incredibly thankful I am about that.

My relationship with Bryon has been a beautiful illustration of that love. How good and fulfilling it can be, and also how much forgiveness it can take. Neither of us are perfect, but I'm happy to be travelling through life with him.

"I got a man to stick it out
And make a home from a rented house
And we'll collect the moments one by one
I guess that's how the future's done"

<3

I want to see

I want to have both of my eyes open wide, and see in all directions.

We don't have all the answers. It's arrogance to think otherwise.

I don't want to fall into a delusion that one person, one group, one belief system has it 100% right. Because no matter what, there's more. More to God, more to self, more to love, more to life.

Seemingly contradictory statements can both be true. But if we get stuck on what we learned first we might not realize that. If we truly get that God loves us and wants good things for us, that's a beautiful revelation. But can turn into an attitude of entitlement. The opposite could mean turning down the gifts God has planned to give you in love.

Nothing is simple.. very little is black and white. Shades of grey. We all have a lens through which we observe life. Other than core truths- that lens should always be changing, reforming.

I must remain like a child. I must be teachable. Wide eyed, arms open to embrace.

Speck

That's what I am. I'm a speck. A teeny, tiny part of this world.

I started thinking about it when we visited the Redwoods a couple weeks ago. Those trees are massive. And they've been growing since well before the birth of the USA. We drove 4 hours to get there. A couple hundred miles across one part of one state, in one country. Our earth is huge. And all over it, life is happening. People are laughing. Birthdays are being celebrated. Someone is being born, right now. A flower is blooming. People are falling in love. Water is running off a cliff.

I am so unaware of the vast majority of what is happening right now. It's really humbling. My entire world, my entire existence.. is such a small part of the whole. One hundred years from now, I'll be all but forgotten. Life was going on before I was born, and it will continue long after I die.

This may sound morbid, but it actually makes me feel the opposite. I'm so inspired. I want my life to have meaning, I want to be a part of something.

ALL of life is in God's hands. And he has a specific purpose for me being here. If I live for only my survival, there is no point. But if I live to further God's kingdom, to spread love and justice.. I get to play a part in this huge, beautiful process. I get to be a brush stroke in the big picture. It's exhilarating.