centered

Some days, no matter how hard I try, I can't please everyone. Some days, I can't please anyone.

I don't consider myself a people pleaser. But there's an intimate circle of people who's opinion of me matters a great deal to me. When I can't please someone in that circle, it really bothers me.

We've been doing a class on marriage and last week we talked about love languages. I've known what mine are for a long time, but Danny Silk put a new twist on the one of the attributes of words of affirmation. People who use that as a main love language can be very sensitive to criticism.

I've been told that I'm just too sensitive. And I do have a hard time separating critique of something I've done with who I am, whether it's a painting or the way I handled a situation.

Anyway, when I get a critique or when someone is mad at me, it affects me a lot. And it can be quite distracting. I can't just carry on with my day knowing that someone who is important to me is feeling badly towards me.

This is my natural response, but I'm not convinced that it's right.

I know that my validation comes from God. I know who I am, and for the most part.. I like who I am. Not in an arrogant, I'm so perfect way. But I recognize that, through God's grace, I've come a long way and I'm still moving in a good direction. When I make a mistake, that's not what defines me.

I feel like it comes down to not being controlled by my situation. Even if I did say something stupid, that doesn't justify continuing to act in anger. Or to freak out and be overcome with guilt. I need to make it right, remember who God says I am, and move on.

I'm a pretty relational person. I don't get my joy in life from my career, some abstract dream or personal achievement. I get my joy from my relationships. So it can be really hard when one of those relationships isn't 100% kosher. But I can only do my part. And I can't force the other party to do their part. It feels unnatural to be at peace with that.. but I don't think there is peace without doing so.

So here I go, pursuing peace. Within myself, among my loved ones, and throughout the whole world.

Dream house

http://sciencehax.com/2010/01/beautiful-home-built-from-recycled-materials/

I love that so people are getting on board with social justice issues.

I really hope it's not just a trendy thing to do.

One day, I want to live in a home like the one above.

Tears

I've got to try and get this out quickly because I'm on my 15 minute break at work.. but my mind is racing. It has been for several weeks now.

"Our sadness is as much a part of our lives as our laughter." I posted this poem not too long ago. And maybe that's what got me thinking about it. That's such a true statement for me. I love songs that have a haunting piano riff in them. My favorite movies are the ones that make me cry the hardest.

It's not that I like feeling sad. I don't want other people to have problems for me to feel bad about. But there's something beautiful about pain. I know that sounds twisted and masochistic. I've tried to fight it, tried to cover it up. Part of me thinks it's because of something broken in me.

But I feel like there's so much more depth to life when you acknowledge both sides of the coin. Joy and happiness are so wonderful. My absolute favorite thing to do in the world is laugh. But I appreciate the times when I cry also.. that's my second favorite pastime.

I have no idea if this feeling is normal. It's very possible that I'm just completely melodramatic. And one day there will be no more tears, but that's because there won't be anymore pain. For now, there is pain. I guess I enjoy the beauty that can come from that place.

Anyway, at least the author of Ecclesiastes agrees with me..

There is "a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance" and "when times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other."

Freely Giving- Part II

So I was reading more in The Happy Intercessor and I came across a passage that I think will really sum up what I was trying to say in my last blog:

"There is a mindset of performance that can grab hold of us and push us to do things for God that He is not asking us to do. When that happens, it takes us right out of rest. We can feel like we need to do for God so that He will approve of us. We think by doing this God will accept us more and maybe love us more. I'm telling you, you don't have to do a thing for God, and He will love you no less. So many of us have believed that we need to labor and perform for God so that we can gain an identity, so that we might be accepted. But in the Kingdom we start off accepted. From there our identity is formed. As intercessors, we need to pray out of that new identity, that core belief that says, "I am already accepted! I am already loved! I already have favor with God!" You see, we are already accepted. Unfortunately, many of our life experiences do not teach us this. In life, you get rewarded or receive approval if you do this or that. The Kingdom of God doesn't work that way. God is not sitting up in Heaven waiting to love you if you will do something for Him. He is a lot more interested in our entering into His love and rest...

You were dead because of your sins and because your sinful nature was not yet cut away. Then God made you alive with Christ, for he forgave all our sins. He canceled the record of the charges against us and took it away by nailing it to the cross. In this way, he disarmed the spiritual rulers and authorities. He shamed them publicly by his victory over them on the cross.
So don’t let anyone condemn you for what you eat or drink, or for not celebrating certain holy days or new moon ceremonies or Sabbaths. For these rules are only shadows of the reality yet to come. And Christ himself is that reality. -Col 2:13-17"

This is something that's tough for me to get sometimes. Faith without works is dead. We have to have works! But if we're just doing them to have works, it's no good. God's after our heart.

And if there wasn't any fruit at this church, I wouldn't listen to this advice at all. But there is. They regularly seek God's presence and He responds. And they love people. And people's lives are transformed. It's amazing.

So this is what I'm really trying to get. I believe it's what God wants for us. Then He's happy.. and we're happy.. and we're making other people happy... win, win, win!

Freely I have received and freely I will give

One of the most awesome things I'm learning here at Bethel is to live from a Kingdom mentality. As you know, my heart cries out for social justice. It aches for the poor, the hopeless, the hungry. And sometimes I get overwhelmed thinking about all the need that exists in the world. Not that I think it's all on my shoulders.. but sometimes it begins to feel that way.

I've been reading this book called The Happy Intercessor by Beni Johnson, Bill's wife. It's revolutionized the way I pray. In it, she explains that she lived most of her life feeling deep pain for people and nations. She felt a heavy burden, but she didn't know what to do with it. Eventually she learned that this can be a call to intercession. To me, that's a funky word. I thought intercession = intense praying for a long time. And that was pretty much all I thought about it.. I had no personal interest.

But at this church, they have a strong focus on praying from God's kingdom and truth, not from fear. Praying against every little thing that could go wrong can be distracting and wearisome. But there's LIFE in the tongue.. we can release God's kingdom through our prayers. I'm filled with so much joy at this thought! There are constant spiritual battles going on. And instead of sitting on the sidelines, I can make a difference. I can speak freedom for the captives, hope for the hopeless. Because, for all my efforts in the physical, there's always something deeper going on.

I feel like I can cover so much more ground. I can sign petitions, sponsor children in Swaziland, provide food for neighbors who don't have enough and pray with authority that the kingdom of Heaven, where there is no lack or pain, will invade the earth.

Yeah.

Number One on My Playlist

The rocks are going to cry out if we don't
Now's the time to raise a song
Hear creation shout loud
We will join our voices to the sound
Stand up, stand up the time has come

Sing it out, sing an anthem to His name
A generation worshipping unashamed
Giving all for the glory of our King
We will run, we will run after Your heart
We believe You all that You say You are
Giving all for the glory of our King
The glory of our King

The church is waking up now
To be Your Hands and feet upon this earth
Send us in Your power
As we take Heaven to a broken world

We are, we are a chosen people
We are, we are called to follow
We are, we are Your generation
You are, You are the God who saves us
You are, You are the God who sends us
You are, You are the God who's with us

-Matt Redman


This is my absolute favorite worship song right now. It's a good tune, but it's the lyrics that grip my heart.

That first line in bold caught me off guard the first time I heard it. God reveals so much of Himself to us.. in Scripture He is described as our Father, our husband, our friend, our comforter, etc. Yet, I don't think the church as a whole is convinced that all that is true. So that statement struck me as profound. We believe You are who You say You are, God. And the next step- we believe we are who You say we are.. the beloved. Chosen. Co-heirs. A royal priesthood. Come on.

In the next stanza, I just love declaring the kingdom of God now. Not the church will wake up. Not begging and pleading that people will begin to stir. The church is stepping up to the plate. We're walking into our calling.

And those last few lines.. God is the one who saves us, then sends us, and is always with us. That's who He is, that's what He does.

I really appreciate the mindset behind this song. It's not just a song of repentance, though those can be great. It's not even just a song of praise, and those are awesome. It's declaring truth.. As we declare it, we believe it. And we begin to live it.

ravings of an eternal optimist

I've neglected blogging as of late.
I feel full of thoughts but empty of articulation.

This phase in my life is kind of surreal. Being here is almost like a break from our real lives.. it's just a really long trip. I am glad to be here. But sometimes it is hard. Some of our "stuff" has definitely been coming to the surface. I don't believe it would unless it's something that God wants to deal with in us. So our marriage is being purified.. and there are moments when that hurts. It's so easy to remember how good and faithful God is when things are easy and happy. But during trials, it's a whole lot more difficult. We each have a lens through which we view God and the rest of the world. If that lens is anything but "God is love. Everything He does is motivated by love. He wants to draw me to Him" then- everything sucks. It's just completely discouraging. When we remember the truth though.. His heart for us gives us victory and joy.

I reconnected with an old friend yesterday. It's so good to see how people have grown and changed, and how they've stayed the same. It makes me think about how I've changed and how I'm the same. For me, looking back on my roots makes me feel empowered.. to hold on to, and pursue, the things in me that I like, and to move on from the things that I don't.
"It is never to late to be what you might have been." George Eliot

One of my favorite things about being on the west coast that we have an autumn. Yesterday I drove home through several miles of trees that were red, orange and yellow. It was so beautiful.. You can't have a moment like that and not stop and think about the goodness in life. There is beauty in every season, in every moment. It certainly doesn't always look like what we'd expect, but it's there. We always have hope.