Intertwined

Once in awhile I read a quote that speaks to something inside of me in a truly profound way. I love reading quotes because every so often I find one that articulates a thought that's been trying to surface within me, but I haven't found a way to articulate. This is one of those:

Christian prayer is always a response to a presence already felt. The awareness of a desire to pray again is already prayer. As the desert fathers so often said, "If you want to pray, you are already praying."
- Edward J. Farrell

I have definitely been guilty of putting my own limitations on God. But God is there whether I'm aware of him or not. And he knows what I feel, think and desire whether I'm putting them into words or not.

I believe that he lives in me. That means that everything I feel is intertwined with what he feels. I have no doubt that there is power in prayer, in saying out loud all of things burning inside of us. It's absolutely necessary.

But beginning to pray is our physical response to what's already happening within us. That thought reminds me of how very present God is. How aware he is of the good things in me and how much grace he gives me in all the ways I fall short. I'm so thankful that he's always at work in me. Whether I'm seeking him with all my heart or hiding, he's an intricate part of every moment of my life. It's oddly comforting to realize that I can't get outside of God.

Now.

Bryon and I got back from our Florida trip on Monday. Honestly, I expected to feel depressed this week. I miss home. I miss having family and friends that make us feel like we belong. Our life in California has been much more isolated, and it's been hard.

So it's been easy for me to think of this time as something to get through and one day we get to leave.. almost like CA isn't our real life, it's just a really long trip. But since we've been back I've realized how much I don't want to live that way.

I don't want to live for something that's going to happen in the future. And I don't want to be so attached to the past that I can't embrace what's in front of me. All I'm guaranteed, all I have- is this moment. I have hope for things to come. I have memories that I cherish. But all I can actually live is right now.

I think I've made a habit of living passively, and that's the opposite of what I want to do. So I guess I needed this eye-opener.. these thoughts have been running through my head all week, and I've definitely been more intentional about how I spend my time, how I respond to people, what I'm thinking or talking about. Today counts just as much as last week did.

Obviously, this doesn't mean I'll never feel lonely or sad. But I will make the most of every day. Very soon, this moment.. this weekend.. this season will only be a memory.

I refuse to let it simply pass me by.