Mary

I read through Luke close to 10 years ago and wrote in my journal that one of the things that really stuck out to me was the phrase "But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart." Luke writes that 3 different times about her.. and I felt that it must be significant.

Last week in church, Bill mentioned that same thing, so I started thinking about Mary again. What an absolute honor, to be chosen by God for something like that. She was just a girl.. and the Lord saw in her someone worthy to raise Jesus.

The gospels don't say a ton about her. She accepted her role, carried it out... and treasured this experience in her heart. She gave birth to Jesus, mothered him, followed him in his teachings and was there when he died. She devoted her life to taking care of God's son. She did exactly what God said she could do.

I don't think this is about her great works or anything. But she must have been special, and was obviously close to God's heart. I want that kind of life. Even if I'm not famous, even if most people never hear my name- I want to spend my life caring for the people God cares about. Doing his work with all my heart, for all my life.

And truly treasuring it. Every moment and experience.

gobble gobble

This has been one of my favorite passages for a long time..
"Let love be genuine; hate what is evil, hold fast to what is good; love one another with mutual affection; outdo one another in showing honor. Do not lag in zeal, be ardent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in suffering, persevere in prayer. Contribute to the needs of the saints; extend hospitality to strangers." - Romans 12:9-13

I like mini-pep talks like this. Every time I read it, I think: Yes! That's the desire within me! It's such a worthy goal.. and I can use reminders on a regular basis.

I've seen a lot of highs and lows in other people's lives lately. I've seen people act with kindness in beautiful moments. And I've seen others be disappointed. It's a fact that people are going to let you down- which makes it so much sweeter when they come through.

I was feeling really down about the holidays, since we don't get to go to Florida again. But two weeks ago, my brother Joe moved about 5 hours south of here! We'll be spending a couple days with him.. I'm honestly thrilled :D

I'm feeling thankful for my job.. and extra thankful for my 4 day weekend.

Everyone is feeling festive this week and I think it's great! I really don't want to only be thankful one week a year though. I want that to be my lifestyle. There's always something you could complain about, you know? But dwelling on it will just ruin your day.

Never lose an opportunity of seeing anything beautiful, for beauty is God's handwriting.- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Some post-election thoughts

Intertwined

Once in awhile I read a quote that speaks to something inside of me in a truly profound way. I love reading quotes because every so often I find one that articulates a thought that's been trying to surface within me, but I haven't found a way to articulate. This is one of those:

Christian prayer is always a response to a presence already felt. The awareness of a desire to pray again is already prayer. As the desert fathers so often said, "If you want to pray, you are already praying."
- Edward J. Farrell

I have definitely been guilty of putting my own limitations on God. But God is there whether I'm aware of him or not. And he knows what I feel, think and desire whether I'm putting them into words or not.

I believe that he lives in me. That means that everything I feel is intertwined with what he feels. I have no doubt that there is power in prayer, in saying out loud all of things burning inside of us. It's absolutely necessary.

But beginning to pray is our physical response to what's already happening within us. That thought reminds me of how very present God is. How aware he is of the good things in me and how much grace he gives me in all the ways I fall short. I'm so thankful that he's always at work in me. Whether I'm seeking him with all my heart or hiding, he's an intricate part of every moment of my life. It's oddly comforting to realize that I can't get outside of God.

Now.

Bryon and I got back from our Florida trip on Monday. Honestly, I expected to feel depressed this week. I miss home. I miss having family and friends that make us feel like we belong. Our life in California has been much more isolated, and it's been hard.

So it's been easy for me to think of this time as something to get through and one day we get to leave.. almost like CA isn't our real life, it's just a really long trip. But since we've been back I've realized how much I don't want to live that way.

I don't want to live for something that's going to happen in the future. And I don't want to be so attached to the past that I can't embrace what's in front of me. All I'm guaranteed, all I have- is this moment. I have hope for things to come. I have memories that I cherish. But all I can actually live is right now.

I think I've made a habit of living passively, and that's the opposite of what I want to do. So I guess I needed this eye-opener.. these thoughts have been running through my head all week, and I've definitely been more intentional about how I spend my time, how I respond to people, what I'm thinking or talking about. Today counts just as much as last week did.

Obviously, this doesn't mean I'll never feel lonely or sad. But I will make the most of every day. Very soon, this moment.. this weekend.. this season will only be a memory.

I refuse to let it simply pass me by.

it's a process

Reading through Romans was pretty whoa. There's so much good stuff in there.. and so much to challenge me.

This really stuck out to me: 15:5-6 Now may the God who gives perseverance and encouragement grant you to be of the same mind with one another according to Christ Jesus,so that with one accord you may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.

I haven't actually been feeling super unified lately. I don't know anyone that shares my every belief and sometimes it's easy to focus on the differences. I love conversing about different opinions.. but it can turn from a friendly discussion to an alienating disagreement pretty quickly. That just makes us feel bad, and doesn't do much good for God either. It doesn't even have to be a conversation. Today at church, one of the pastors said something good about Glenn Beck's rally yesterday and I immediately crossed my arms and put my walls up. I don't like Glenn Beck. So he can't do anything good, ever. Right?

Then that same pastor gave an incredible message about the Father's heart for us. About how even though other people's sin bothers us, it doesn't bother God that way. He's pursuing them with passionate love, and they're white as snow in his eyes. And God has that same burning desire to be with us personally. I get much more offended than he does. But I want to love like him.

Rom 14:1- Now accept the one who is weak in faith, but not for the purpose of passing judgment on his opinions.
When I read that verse it was so convicting. I am definitely guilty of accepting people.. so I can start conforming them into my image of what Christians should be. On a second reading, I realized that some people probably need that verse to deal with me. I'm still working through a lot of stuff. And I'm truly thankful for people that accept me without trying to correct everything I say.

I just want to be the body. I want to be love. I want to be unified, to show how good God is. Lord, help me.

The Bible

My dearest friend Katie and I were recently discussing the fact that neither of us have ever actually read the entire Bible. So, in a moment of determination and optimism, we decided we would find a plan, read the whole Good Book in a year and check up on each other's progress. We're one week in, and so far, so good.

I think this is going to be a really good thing for me. I've noticed that even just having to discipline myself to read 3 or 4 chapters a day is a kind of big change. To be completely honest, I've gone weeks without reading the Bible. Getting into it every day has been keeping my mind more focused on God.

I don't think that scripture is the only way God speaks to us. I believe the Holy Spirit is constantly speaking to us, through that still small voice, through other people, through nature, through coincidences. But I also believe the Bible is an awesome gift to us and I don't want to neglect it.

Today I read Romans 6. The very last verse, 23, is: For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. I'm sure you, like me, have read it a hundred times.

Most of the time I've heard it discussed, the focus is on the first clause. "The wages of sin is death." True. We're terrible sinners and that's why we need Jesus. But one of the beautiful things about reading the Bible through is that you get context. And pretty much the whole chapter leading up to this point focuses on the "free gift of eternal life" issue.

We're free from sin. We are now slaves to righteousness. Our old self has been crucified with Christ. Never, ever again to we have to live in bondage. That is the point of the cross. I could sit on this for awhile.

Some tunes

I've been in a really happy music place lately. Not like the music I'm currently loving is always super happy. I'm just happy with it. So, even though I don't usually do this, enjoy!

Animal Collective- My Girls


Florence & the Machine- Between Two Lungs


Annnd Broken Bells- The High Road

Starry Night Over the Rhone

This is my life right now.



Also, there will be an Impressionist exhibit in San Francisco in September and I would really, really love to go.

It was you who I wanted to be talking to..

There are now over 7 billion people alive in the world, right? That's a lot of people. I can't even begin to fathom what that number actually means.

Lately, I've been feeling like I have all these crazy thoughts. About anything and everything. Sometimes I share them. The crazier the thought is, the less of a chance that person will relate to what I'm saying. I feel incredibly blessed, because I do have people in my life that I can relate to. But no matter how much I share with any one of them, we aren't exactly the same.

This particular thought actually started while I was looking through the music on my Zune. I wondered "Does anybody have exactly the same music as I do?" My initial response was no way, of course not. 7 billion people is a lot though. Well, most of them probably don't have music players. But there's still a lot of people that do.

So that made me wonder if there's anyone out there who feels the exact same way about any number of things.. Is there someone who has the exact same political beliefs? Anyone who dresses the same? Anyone who feels the same way about Dean Koontz? Someone who dances just like I do? Likes exactly the same foods?

Is there anyone who has the exact same image of who God is?

Probably not. To any of those. I mean, maybe they feel the same about Dean Koontz. But many of my own opinions are so complicated and dynamic. The way I see God changes every single day. I learn something more about his heart, his love for people, his love for me.. or what he wants for me.

And because of how big God is, and how small I am, I can never understand everything there is to him. And I always have something to learn from other people. I fully believe that's intentional.

I'm going to slaughter the actual quote, but I heard Bill Johnson say something like "God made us relational. We can't get everything we need from God alone. Otherwise, we could all be hermits and not love each other."

Happy, um, Independence Day

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with being political all the time. I first started to write a blog about Independence Day and how I think we're not all that independent at all (FOREIGN oil). But sometimes that feels like such a burden. And I don't think that Jesus meant for us to be free for a little while.. until we pick up the next issue. Whether that be an alcohol problem or a social agenda. I keep coming back to Christ setting us free "for freedom's sake." Not so our chest could feel crushed by something else. So we could know true rest, joy, freedom. Because that's how he loves us.

So, even though I'm not the most patriotic person you'll ever meet, I'm thankful to be where I am. In the U.S.A. I have the freedom to express my dissatisfaction in a blog or during a protest. I have the freedom to spend time with my loved ones. I have the freedom to dance around. I have the freedom to enjoy a good cup of fair trade coffee. I have the freedom to fall asleep next to my husband. And I have the freedom to make a difference.

I have a ton to be grateful for. And I believe that every gift is from above. I also believe that not expressing my thanks would kind of be a slap in the face to the one who gave everything to me.

A thankful heart
Prepares the way
For You, my God
Come fall on us
We fall on You
A thankful heart
Will be our rhythm
Come fall on us
We fall on You
A thankful heart
Will be our song

skeleton me

I want to..

get my dessert out of the fridge even though it needs to chill for 2 more hours.

"like" every status and photo on someone's Facebook so they laugh the next time they check it.

go a month only wearing 6 articles of clothing.

never lose myself to a bad mood.

be able to paint all the pictures in my head.

get my Zune in the mail right now.


I am..

starting to feel sleepy.

already excited about our Florida trip in October.

convinced that I'm not always right.

stoked that Safeway had peppermint mocha creamer in the middle of June.

an overcomer.


I'm not always satisfied with where I am. But maybe that's the motivation I need.

Hebrews 12:1-2

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne."

Does this passage make anyone else really excited? Because I am totally ecstatic after reading it.

To start, I'm not sure who is in the cloud of witnesses. But whether they are angels, fellow believers or even loved ones who have passed on, it's clear that these witnesses are an encouragement to us.

I love the image of us running this race, being weighed down, getting tired.. then looking at Jesus- and everything changes. The burdens of life slide off. The sin that so easily entangles us is removed. And then we run with perseverance: not getting distracted, not getting defeated.

The Lord called us to this race. And he did not ask to run just so we could get worn out and give up. If he called us to run after him, we must be able to do it. In his grace, he enables us to run, full speed, to the end. There are distractions and burdens, but he gives us a way out. He gives us the strength we need.

I love the picture of Jesus "disregarding" the shame of the cross. All the guilt and condemnation we carry.. Jesus took it. And he overcame it. Disregard usually means "oh, that was no big deal, just ignore it." That's such an awesome way to put it. Jesus took ALL of our shame and looked ahead at the joy of being with the Father and uniting us with the Father and it was no issue.

I truly believe that the same Holy Spirit that was in Jesus has been given to us. I don't believe God has put us in a world that is going to destroy us. It's not always easy, but it's always possible.

It's my sincere hope that we can all learn to run this marathon just as God intended us to- victoriously.

Dos Anos

May 25 marked our second wedding anniversary. I feel like Bryon and I have been together long enough to be transparent about our relationship.

We are happy. We're still in love. We will have a 50th anniversary.
But the last couple of years have had some rough moments.

I've thought a lot about how much easier marriage made the whole sexual sin thing for me. And not having to wonder "is this relationship God's will for my life??" That thought plagued me years before I met Bryon. So it seemed like life got much easier. Now I could get on with my dreams, you know? But marriage isn't the Happily Ever After of life. In many ways, it's been the beginning to my journey.

Marriage is incredibly trying. I started to realize how often I am selfish, how often I act in anger. And since I'm with my husband most of the time.. I've realized how much of my time is spent not doing the things I say I want to do.

I've learned more about grace in the last two years than any other period of my life. There are times when I positively do NOT want to forgive Bryon. But that is so not what God does, nor what he wants me to do. There are other times when I screw up and I hurt him. That sucks. And it makes me think about how I can hurt God's heart also.

But love covers all of that. Not always perfectly in marriage. We're learning. It's definitely a long road. But always perfectly from God. Love, love, love and TONS of grace. I can't even begin to understand how much it takes for each one of us, how much he loves us. Or how incredibly thankful I am about that.

My relationship with Bryon has been a beautiful illustration of that love. How good and fulfilling it can be, and also how much forgiveness it can take. Neither of us are perfect, but I'm happy to be travelling through life with him.

"I got a man to stick it out
And make a home from a rented house
And we'll collect the moments one by one
I guess that's how the future's done"

<3

I want to see

I want to have both of my eyes open wide, and see in all directions.

We don't have all the answers. It's arrogance to think otherwise.

I don't want to fall into a delusion that one person, one group, one belief system has it 100% right. Because no matter what, there's more. More to God, more to self, more to love, more to life.

Seemingly contradictory statements can both be true. But if we get stuck on what we learned first we might not realize that. If we truly get that God loves us and wants good things for us, that's a beautiful revelation. But can turn into an attitude of entitlement. The opposite could mean turning down the gifts God has planned to give you in love.

Nothing is simple.. very little is black and white. Shades of grey. We all have a lens through which we observe life. Other than core truths- that lens should always be changing, reforming.

I must remain like a child. I must be teachable. Wide eyed, arms open to embrace.

Speck

That's what I am. I'm a speck. A teeny, tiny part of this world.

I started thinking about it when we visited the Redwoods a couple weeks ago. Those trees are massive. And they've been growing since well before the birth of the USA. We drove 4 hours to get there. A couple hundred miles across one part of one state, in one country. Our earth is huge. And all over it, life is happening. People are laughing. Birthdays are being celebrated. Someone is being born, right now. A flower is blooming. People are falling in love. Water is running off a cliff.

I am so unaware of the vast majority of what is happening right now. It's really humbling. My entire world, my entire existence.. is such a small part of the whole. One hundred years from now, I'll be all but forgotten. Life was going on before I was born, and it will continue long after I die.

This may sound morbid, but it actually makes me feel the opposite. I'm so inspired. I want my life to have meaning, I want to be a part of something.

ALL of life is in God's hands. And he has a specific purpose for me being here. If I live for only my survival, there is no point. But if I live to further God's kingdom, to spread love and justice.. I get to play a part in this huge, beautiful process. I get to be a brush stroke in the big picture. It's exhilarating.

My favorite quote number 38472397

My hunger for the freedom of my own people became a hunger for the freedom of all people, white and black. I knew as well as I knew anything that the oppressor must be liberated just as surely as the oppressed. A [person] who takes away another [person's] freedom is a prisoner of hatred ... is locked behind bars of prejudice and narrow-mindedness. I am not truly free if I am taking away someone else's freedom, just as surely as I am not free when my freedom is taken from me. The oppressed and the oppressor alike are robbed of their humanity.
- Nelson Mandela, from his autobiography Long Walk to Freedom

Throwing out my favorite excuse

There's been this issue driving me crazy lately. I hear people say "this is my struggle, the thorn in my flesh, go read Romans 7" and then that person not being able to overcome an issue in their life is considered totally acceptable. Because we all fall short. And I know that is so true. If we get judged by our works, we're screwed. Each and every one of us.

But I'm an idealist. And I believe that God wants to forgive every single one of our sins. I believe he wants to heal every disease. I believe he wants every person to be fed. I believe he wants there to be absolute peace, interpersonally and intrapersonally.

So if God's grace is enough to cover all our sin, why isn't his grace enough to help us overcome our obstacles? I think it is.

I think the same spirit that raised Christ from the dead lives in us. And I think that spirit, the Holy Spirit, is totally willing to enable us to live as Jesus did. In every way.

I don't think Jesus was a liar. I don't think he set unreasonable expectations. He said "You are forgiven. Now go, and sin no more." If he said it, I believe it. It's possible, it's attainable. Clearly, not by my strength or goodness. But that's not what's getting me into heaven. Why should I rely on my own self to live a good life?

I don't have this whole theology worked out. I'm just having a hard time justifying anything less than holiness lately.

As for Romans 7... in the beginning of the chapter, Paul says:

"By dying to what once bound us, we have been released from the law so that we serve in the new way of the Spirit, and not in the old way of the written code.."

We don't have to struggle to earn God's acceptance the way people used to.

I know how that chapter is used. But it's just one chapter. I think reading Romans 6 over and over would be a good idea.

15What then? Shall we sin because we are not under law but under grace? By no means! 16Don't you know that when you offer yourselves to someone to obey him as slaves, you are slaves to the one whom you obey—whether you are slaves to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience, which leads to righteousness? 17But thanks be to God that, though you used to be slaves to sin, you wholeheartedly obeyed the form of teaching to which you were entrusted. 18You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness.
19I put this in human terms because you are weak in your natural selves. Just as you used to offer the parts of your body in slavery to impurity and to ever-increasing wickedness, so now offer them in slavery to righteousness leading to holiness. 20When you were slaves to sin, you were free from the control of righteousness. 21What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death! 22But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves to God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life. 23For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Love this quote

Perhaps it is no wonder that the women were first at the Cradle and last at the Cross. They had never known a man like this Man ... A prophet and teacher who never nagged at them, never flattered or coaxed or patronised ... who rebuked without querulousness and praised without condescension; who took their questions and arguments seriously; who never mapped out their sphere for them, never urged them to be feminine or jeered at them for being female ... Nobody could possibly guess from the words and deeds of Jesus that there was anything [inferior] about woman's nature.
- Dorothy L. Sayers, from her book, Are Women Human?

107: Feeling Ambitious

Recently my housemate started this life coaching course. She said one of the things they encourage everyone to do is to have a list of at least 100 dreams. Seemed like a good idea to me.. so here goes!

1. Work for a nonprofit company doing good in the world.

2. Say and be told "I love you" every day

3. Say and be told "I miss you" from someone far away

4. Start wearing a toe ring again

5. Paint something I'm proud to have done

6. Go to Europe (England and France, specifically)

7. Cook dinner from scratch for a group of people

8. Live in an intentional community

9. Be friends with at least 3 of the same people in 20 years

10. Write a book, a more serious blog, a pamphlet.. something legit.

11. Sew a dress

12. Laugh every single day

13. Have a pic-nic with champagne

14. Grow a garden in the ground

15. Save someone's life

16. Take a photography or art class

17. Give myself a french pedicure

18. Go a year without purchasing any clothes

19. Take Kelsea out for sushi

20. Sing in public

21. At least pursue the thought of getting my master's degree

22. Read through the entire Bible

23. Go out on a sail boat

24. Keep a journal throughout my life

25. See an end to poverty and world hunger

26. See an end to war

27. Travel by mostly public transportation

28. Make a cheesecake

29. Come up with a list of 100 dreams

30. Read The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis

31. Spend an entire day outside

33. Own every Beatles album

34. Invent a great recipe

35. Learn more about computers

36. Compost all organic matter

37. Recycle everything else

38. Maintain my current weight or less (except for pregnancy, obviously)

39. Brighten a stranger's day

40. Pay back all of my student loans

41. Do a 40 day fast

42. Join a book club

43. Swim near a waterfall

44. Baby sit a young couple's kids for free

45. Renew our wedding vows after it gets tough

46. Have an art/worship/creation room in my home

47. Go to San Francisco

48. While there, visit MOMA

49. See Phantom of the Opera on Broadway

50. Live within walking distance of a library, coffee shop and park

51. Be part of a peaceful protest

52. Grow my own herbs and make my own tea

53. Ride a bicycle (I had a traumatic experience when I was 12 and haven't been on one since)

54. Dress up like someone from the 1920's

55. Watch the sun rise on the east coast

56. Watch the sun set on the west coast

57. Dance at an 80's club (and a 90's club, if those exist yet)

58. Solve a crime

59. Write to someone in prison

60. Help a village in a developing country become sustainable (clean water, farming and education system)

61. Go to Africa

62. Do a self-portrait (either painted or photographed)

63. Actually make the soundtrack of my life

64. Seriously look into adoption or foster care

65. Go to PAPA Fest

66. See the redwood forest

67. Worship at my darkest moment

68. Get one more tattoo

69. Become fluent in Spanish

70. Change an unjust law

71. Walk through a meadow barefoot and pick wildflowers

72. Go one week eating veggies only

73. Make a scrap book

74. Understand what fascism means

75. Volunteer regularly

76. Make ice cream

77. Buy Christmas presents for a low-income family

78. Spend at least one day exploring New York City

79. Learn how to tell time on a sundial

80. Ride a train

81. Read a biography about Mother Teresa

82. Read a biography about Mohatma Gandhi

83. Be an editor

84. Go backpacking

85. Go one day eating only things I've grown

86. Go on a trip by myself

87. Visit the Louvre

88. Tutor/mentor a child

89. Drink enough water every day

90. Spend a lot of quality time with my family (immediate- including all siblings and future)

91. Perform at least 5 random acts of kindness for complete strangers (clean their bathroom, buy their lunch, rake their lawn)

92. Walk on the water

93. Spend a day walking around a city enjoying the local businesses

94. Write letters to the people I love

95. Have used furniture and decorate it myself

96. Cover my house in local/self-made art

97. Not work 9-5 Monday though Friday in a cubicle

98. Go to a music festival

99. See the beauty in every moment and thank the Lord for it

100. Spend time in someone of a different culture's shoes.. or bare feet

101. Live in the downtown part of a city

102. Never complain again

103. Do a photo shoot

104. Have a big front porch

105. Celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary

106. Not take any person for granted

107. In 10, 20, 40 and 60 years, see how I’ve done on my list. And add to it.

So doing this ended up taking longer than I thought it would. And it challenged me. Made me hone in on what my priorities in this life are. I would encourage everyone to give it a try.

every plan is a tiny prayer to father time

My plan was to come to Redding for 9 months, get everything we needed and immediately jet back home to Florida.

That is probably not what is going to actually take place.

Bryon started talking about wanting to stay for second year pretty quickly. I was horrified. I told him there was absolutely no way. I maintained that stand for about 6 months. Then I decided to actually seek the Lord about it.

I woke up the next morning knowing that we were staying. I didn't hear God's voice, didn't even feel guided in a specific direction while I was praying. But I knew. But I did not share that with Bryon.

I started telling friends and family that we might stay.. that was the scariest part of this process for me. Literally, the day I told the last person I was worried about was the day God made it crystal clear.

I was sitting outside of a local coffee shop on the phone with said person. Then one of the other Bethel students, who I'd met but didn't really know, came up to me with a prophetic drawing. She felt like it was for me. This drawing is of a person standing in front of two mountains with the sun rising between them. The person has his/her arms up in praise. She wrote on the back that this is the valley of indecision, but there is joy in the mountain tops.

I freaked out.

This may sound like just a massive coincidence to you, but I'm positive that was God guiding me. Bryon picked me up a few minutes later and I told him to go ahead and apply for second year.

I'm not going to lie, there's a part of me that's hoping God was just testing me and Bryon won't get in. That's a pretty selfish desire, I know. Bryon will almost definitely get accepted.. he's doing really well here.

And God's plans, even when they are different than mine, are too good to pass up.

centered

Some days, no matter how hard I try, I can't please everyone. Some days, I can't please anyone.

I don't consider myself a people pleaser. But there's an intimate circle of people who's opinion of me matters a great deal to me. When I can't please someone in that circle, it really bothers me.

We've been doing a class on marriage and last week we talked about love languages. I've known what mine are for a long time, but Danny Silk put a new twist on the one of the attributes of words of affirmation. People who use that as a main love language can be very sensitive to criticism.

I've been told that I'm just too sensitive. And I do have a hard time separating critique of something I've done with who I am, whether it's a painting or the way I handled a situation.

Anyway, when I get a critique or when someone is mad at me, it affects me a lot. And it can be quite distracting. I can't just carry on with my day knowing that someone who is important to me is feeling badly towards me.

This is my natural response, but I'm not convinced that it's right.

I know that my validation comes from God. I know who I am, and for the most part.. I like who I am. Not in an arrogant, I'm so perfect way. But I recognize that, through God's grace, I've come a long way and I'm still moving in a good direction. When I make a mistake, that's not what defines me.

I feel like it comes down to not being controlled by my situation. Even if I did say something stupid, that doesn't justify continuing to act in anger. Or to freak out and be overcome with guilt. I need to make it right, remember who God says I am, and move on.

I'm a pretty relational person. I don't get my joy in life from my career, some abstract dream or personal achievement. I get my joy from my relationships. So it can be really hard when one of those relationships isn't 100% kosher. But I can only do my part. And I can't force the other party to do their part. It feels unnatural to be at peace with that.. but I don't think there is peace without doing so.

So here I go, pursuing peace. Within myself, among my loved ones, and throughout the whole world.

Dream house

http://sciencehax.com/2010/01/beautiful-home-built-from-recycled-materials/

I love that so people are getting on board with social justice issues.

I really hope it's not just a trendy thing to do.

One day, I want to live in a home like the one above.

Tears

I've got to try and get this out quickly because I'm on my 15 minute break at work.. but my mind is racing. It has been for several weeks now.

"Our sadness is as much a part of our lives as our laughter." I posted this poem not too long ago. And maybe that's what got me thinking about it. That's such a true statement for me. I love songs that have a haunting piano riff in them. My favorite movies are the ones that make me cry the hardest.

It's not that I like feeling sad. I don't want other people to have problems for me to feel bad about. But there's something beautiful about pain. I know that sounds twisted and masochistic. I've tried to fight it, tried to cover it up. Part of me thinks it's because of something broken in me.

But I feel like there's so much more depth to life when you acknowledge both sides of the coin. Joy and happiness are so wonderful. My absolute favorite thing to do in the world is laugh. But I appreciate the times when I cry also.. that's my second favorite pastime.

I have no idea if this feeling is normal. It's very possible that I'm just completely melodramatic. And one day there will be no more tears, but that's because there won't be anymore pain. For now, there is pain. I guess I enjoy the beauty that can come from that place.

Anyway, at least the author of Ecclesiastes agrees with me..

There is "a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance" and "when times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other."