So I was reading more in The Happy Intercessor and I came across a passage that I think will really sum up what I was trying to say in my last blog:
"There is a mindset of performance that can grab hold of us and push us to do things for God that He is not asking us to do. When that happens, it takes us right out of rest. We can feel like we need to do for God so that He will approve of us. We think by doing this God will accept us more and maybe love us more. I'm telling you, you don't have to do a thing for God, and He will love you no less. So many of us have believed that we need to labor and perform for God so that we can gain an identity, so that we might be accepted. But in the Kingdom we start off accepted. From there our identity is formed. As intercessors, we need to pray out of that new identity, that core belief that says, "I am already accepted! I am already loved! I already have favor with God!" You see, we are already accepted. Unfortunately, many of our life experiences do not teach us this. In life, you get rewarded or receive approval if you do this or that. The Kingdom of God doesn't work that way. God is not sitting up in Heaven waiting to love you if you will do something for Him. He is a lot more interested in our entering into His love and rest...
You were dead because of your sins and because your sinful nature was not yet cut away. Then God made you alive with Christ, for he forgave all our sins. He canceled the record of the charges against us and took it away by nailing it to the cross. In this way, he disarmed the spiritual rulers and authorities. He shamed them publicly by his victory over them on the cross.
So don’t let anyone condemn you for what you eat or drink, or for not celebrating certain holy days or new moon ceremonies or Sabbaths. For these rules are only shadows of the reality yet to come. And Christ himself is that reality. -Col 2:13-17"
This is something that's tough for me to get sometimes. Faith without works is dead. We have to have works! But if we're just doing them to have works, it's no good. God's after our heart.
And if there wasn't any fruit at this church, I wouldn't listen to this advice at all. But there is. They regularly seek God's presence and He responds. And they love people. And people's lives are transformed. It's amazing.
So this is what I'm really trying to get. I believe it's what God wants for us. Then He's happy.. and we're happy.. and we're making other people happy... win, win, win!
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Freely I have received and freely I will give
One of the most awesome things I'm learning here at Bethel is to live from a Kingdom mentality. As you know, my heart cries out for social justice. It aches for the poor, the hopeless, the hungry. And sometimes I get overwhelmed thinking about all the need that exists in the world. Not that I think it's all on my shoulders.. but sometimes it begins to feel that way.
I've been reading this book called The Happy Intercessor by Beni Johnson, Bill's wife. It's revolutionized the way I pray. In it, she explains that she lived most of her life feeling deep pain for people and nations. She felt a heavy burden, but she didn't know what to do with it. Eventually she learned that this can be a call to intercession. To me, that's a funky word. I thought intercession = intense praying for a long time. And that was pretty much all I thought about it.. I had no personal interest.
But at this church, they have a strong focus on praying from God's kingdom and truth, not from fear. Praying against every little thing that could go wrong can be distracting and wearisome. But there's LIFE in the tongue.. we can release God's kingdom through our prayers. I'm filled with so much joy at this thought! There are constant spiritual battles going on. And instead of sitting on the sidelines, I can make a difference. I can speak freedom for the captives, hope for the hopeless. Because, for all my efforts in the physical, there's always something deeper going on.
I feel like I can cover so much more ground. I can sign petitions, sponsor children in Swaziland, provide food for neighbors who don't have enough and pray with authority that the kingdom of Heaven, where there is no lack or pain, will invade the earth.
Yeah.
I've been reading this book called The Happy Intercessor by Beni Johnson, Bill's wife. It's revolutionized the way I pray. In it, she explains that she lived most of her life feeling deep pain for people and nations. She felt a heavy burden, but she didn't know what to do with it. Eventually she learned that this can be a call to intercession. To me, that's a funky word. I thought intercession = intense praying for a long time. And that was pretty much all I thought about it.. I had no personal interest.
But at this church, they have a strong focus on praying from God's kingdom and truth, not from fear. Praying against every little thing that could go wrong can be distracting and wearisome. But there's LIFE in the tongue.. we can release God's kingdom through our prayers. I'm filled with so much joy at this thought! There are constant spiritual battles going on. And instead of sitting on the sidelines, I can make a difference. I can speak freedom for the captives, hope for the hopeless. Because, for all my efforts in the physical, there's always something deeper going on.
I feel like I can cover so much more ground. I can sign petitions, sponsor children in Swaziland, provide food for neighbors who don't have enough and pray with authority that the kingdom of Heaven, where there is no lack or pain, will invade the earth.
Yeah.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Number One on My Playlist
The rocks are going to cry out if we don't
Now's the time to raise a song
Hear creation shout loud
We will join our voices to the sound
Stand up, stand up the time has come
Sing it out, sing an anthem to His name
A generation worshipping unashamed
Giving all for the glory of our King
We will run, we will run after Your heart
We believe You all that You say You are
Giving all for the glory of our King
The glory of our King
The church is waking up now
To be Your Hands and feet upon this earth
Send us in Your power
As we take Heaven to a broken world
We are, we are a chosen people
We are, we are called to follow
We are, we are Your generation
You are, You are the God who saves us
You are, You are the God who sends us
You are, You are the God who's with us
-Matt Redman
This is my absolute favorite worship song right now. It's a good tune, but it's the lyrics that grip my heart.
That first line in bold caught me off guard the first time I heard it. God reveals so much of Himself to us.. in Scripture He is described as our Father, our husband, our friend, our comforter, etc. Yet, I don't think the church as a whole is convinced that all that is true. So that statement struck me as profound. We believe You are who You say You are, God. And the next step- we believe we are who You say we are.. the beloved. Chosen. Co-heirs. A royal priesthood. Come on.
In the next stanza, I just love declaring the kingdom of God now. Not the church will wake up. Not begging and pleading that people will begin to stir. The church is stepping up to the plate. We're walking into our calling.
And those last few lines.. God is the one who saves us, then sends us, and is always with us. That's who He is, that's what He does.
I really appreciate the mindset behind this song. It's not just a song of repentance, though those can be great. It's not even just a song of praise, and those are awesome. It's declaring truth.. As we declare it, we believe it. And we begin to live it.
Now's the time to raise a song
Hear creation shout loud
We will join our voices to the sound
Stand up, stand up the time has come
Sing it out, sing an anthem to His name
A generation worshipping unashamed
Giving all for the glory of our King
We will run, we will run after Your heart
We believe You all that You say You are
Giving all for the glory of our King
The glory of our King
The church is waking up now
To be Your Hands and feet upon this earth
Send us in Your power
As we take Heaven to a broken world
We are, we are a chosen people
We are, we are called to follow
We are, we are Your generation
You are, You are the God who saves us
You are, You are the God who sends us
You are, You are the God who's with us
-Matt Redman
This is my absolute favorite worship song right now. It's a good tune, but it's the lyrics that grip my heart.
That first line in bold caught me off guard the first time I heard it. God reveals so much of Himself to us.. in Scripture He is described as our Father, our husband, our friend, our comforter, etc. Yet, I don't think the church as a whole is convinced that all that is true. So that statement struck me as profound. We believe You are who You say You are, God. And the next step- we believe we are who You say we are.. the beloved. Chosen. Co-heirs. A royal priesthood. Come on.
In the next stanza, I just love declaring the kingdom of God now. Not the church will wake up. Not begging and pleading that people will begin to stir. The church is stepping up to the plate. We're walking into our calling.
And those last few lines.. God is the one who saves us, then sends us, and is always with us. That's who He is, that's what He does.
I really appreciate the mindset behind this song. It's not just a song of repentance, though those can be great. It's not even just a song of praise, and those are awesome. It's declaring truth.. As we declare it, we believe it. And we begin to live it.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
ravings of an eternal optimist
I've neglected blogging as of late.
I feel full of thoughts but empty of articulation.
This phase in my life is kind of surreal. Being here is almost like a break from our real lives.. it's just a really long trip. I am glad to be here. But sometimes it is hard. Some of our "stuff" has definitely been coming to the surface. I don't believe it would unless it's something that God wants to deal with in us. So our marriage is being purified.. and there are moments when that hurts. It's so easy to remember how good and faithful God is when things are easy and happy. But during trials, it's a whole lot more difficult. We each have a lens through which we view God and the rest of the world. If that lens is anything but "God is love. Everything He does is motivated by love. He wants to draw me to Him" then- everything sucks. It's just completely discouraging. When we remember the truth though.. His heart for us gives us victory and joy.
I reconnected with an old friend yesterday. It's so good to see how people have grown and changed, and how they've stayed the same. It makes me think about how I've changed and how I'm the same. For me, looking back on my roots makes me feel empowered.. to hold on to, and pursue, the things in me that I like, and to move on from the things that I don't.
"It is never to late to be what you might have been." George Eliot
One of my favorite things about being on the west coast that we have an autumn. Yesterday I drove home through several miles of trees that were red, orange and yellow. It was so beautiful.. You can't have a moment like that and not stop and think about the goodness in life. There is beauty in every season, in every moment. It certainly doesn't always look like what we'd expect, but it's there. We always have hope.
I feel full of thoughts but empty of articulation.
This phase in my life is kind of surreal. Being here is almost like a break from our real lives.. it's just a really long trip. I am glad to be here. But sometimes it is hard. Some of our "stuff" has definitely been coming to the surface. I don't believe it would unless it's something that God wants to deal with in us. So our marriage is being purified.. and there are moments when that hurts. It's so easy to remember how good and faithful God is when things are easy and happy. But during trials, it's a whole lot more difficult. We each have a lens through which we view God and the rest of the world. If that lens is anything but "God is love. Everything He does is motivated by love. He wants to draw me to Him" then- everything sucks. It's just completely discouraging. When we remember the truth though.. His heart for us gives us victory and joy.
I reconnected with an old friend yesterday. It's so good to see how people have grown and changed, and how they've stayed the same. It makes me think about how I've changed and how I'm the same. For me, looking back on my roots makes me feel empowered.. to hold on to, and pursue, the things in me that I like, and to move on from the things that I don't.
"It is never to late to be what you might have been." George Eliot
One of my favorite things about being on the west coast that we have an autumn. Yesterday I drove home through several miles of trees that were red, orange and yellow. It was so beautiful.. You can't have a moment like that and not stop and think about the goodness in life. There is beauty in every season, in every moment. It certainly doesn't always look like what we'd expect, but it's there. We always have hope.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
I can't explain it, but this made me want to cry
“Some people do not have to search, for they find their niche early in life and rest there seemingly contented and resigned.
At times, I envy them but usually I do not understand them…
And seldom do they understand me.
I am one of those searchers.
There are, I believe, millions of us. We are not unhappy, but neither are we completely content.
We continue to explore ourselves, hoping to understand.
We like to walk along the beach; we are drawn to the ocean, taken by its power and unceasing motion, its mystery and unspeakable beauty.
We like forests, mountains, deserts, hidden rivers, and lovely cities as well. Our sadness is as much a part of our lives as our laughter. We are ambitious only for life itself and for anything beautiful it can provide.
Most of all, we want to love and be loved, to live in a relationship that will not impede our wanderings and prevent our search.
We do not want to prove ourselves to others or compete for love.
This passage is for wanderers, dreamers, and lovers who dare to ask of life everything which is good and beautiful.”
- Author Unknown
At times, I envy them but usually I do not understand them…
And seldom do they understand me.
I am one of those searchers.
There are, I believe, millions of us. We are not unhappy, but neither are we completely content.
We continue to explore ourselves, hoping to understand.
We like to walk along the beach; we are drawn to the ocean, taken by its power and unceasing motion, its mystery and unspeakable beauty.
We like forests, mountains, deserts, hidden rivers, and lovely cities as well. Our sadness is as much a part of our lives as our laughter. We are ambitious only for life itself and for anything beautiful it can provide.
Most of all, we want to love and be loved, to live in a relationship that will not impede our wanderings and prevent our search.
We do not want to prove ourselves to others or compete for love.
This passage is for wanderers, dreamers, and lovers who dare to ask of life everything which is good and beautiful.”
- Author Unknown
Monday, October 19, 2009
Another world is possible
Last night a woman named Tracy Evans shared with Bethel. Bryon actually got to hear her earlier in the week and he told me she was amazing, but I was completely blown away!
Tracy is a missionary to Mozambique. She's a teeny, gentle woman and she has changed thousands of lives. She touched my heart so much.. I just have to share what she's doing.
One thing her team does to help the community is caring for 600 babies every week. Many young mothers die while the babies are just infants, and then there is no way to feed them. Tracy and her team have made a deal.. if another member of the family will take responsibility for the young one, they can bring the child in once a week and they will supply a week's worth of formula and health care for the child and the family member who brings them in. This way, the babies are still able to live with their families and grow up in the African culture, instead of becoming isolated from them. On top of that, they've seen many of the young woman and children healed of AIDS!
They also run a prison ministry. They go to the jail almost every day and do a Bible study. The prisoners are dependant on their families to supply food. Tracy's team has been able to have some of the men come to their fields and help with the farming. Then, when they harvest the crop, they bring some of the food back to the prison!
In Mozambique, everyone runs out and plants their whole crop after the first rain. One year, after they had done that, it didn't rain again and everyone's crop died. Someone donated a bunch of new seeds to Tracy's ministry.. but instead of planting them, she gave them away to the rest of the village and she decided to raise their crop from the dead.. and it worked!! Not only did their crop grow, but it yielded 60% more than usual!
This woman works in an area that is predominately Muslim. She has been arrested by the unfriendly guerrilla fighters 3 times. She got shipwrecked for a year on a tiny island.. and by the time she left, everyone of the island knew Jesus.
I know that reading about someone seems distant. But Tracy is so real. It seems so possible. She is out there doing the work of God. And she made sure to emphasize that she doesn't regret a thing. I want to be able to say that.
This is the heart of our God. To care for the poor and the orphans. To heal the sick and raise the dead. To provide abundance out of nothing.
I am filled with joy and anticipation.
Tracy is a missionary to Mozambique. She's a teeny, gentle woman and she has changed thousands of lives. She touched my heart so much.. I just have to share what she's doing.
One thing her team does to help the community is caring for 600 babies every week. Many young mothers die while the babies are just infants, and then there is no way to feed them. Tracy and her team have made a deal.. if another member of the family will take responsibility for the young one, they can bring the child in once a week and they will supply a week's worth of formula and health care for the child and the family member who brings them in. This way, the babies are still able to live with their families and grow up in the African culture, instead of becoming isolated from them. On top of that, they've seen many of the young woman and children healed of AIDS!
They also run a prison ministry. They go to the jail almost every day and do a Bible study. The prisoners are dependant on their families to supply food. Tracy's team has been able to have some of the men come to their fields and help with the farming. Then, when they harvest the crop, they bring some of the food back to the prison!
In Mozambique, everyone runs out and plants their whole crop after the first rain. One year, after they had done that, it didn't rain again and everyone's crop died. Someone donated a bunch of new seeds to Tracy's ministry.. but instead of planting them, she gave them away to the rest of the village and she decided to raise their crop from the dead.. and it worked!! Not only did their crop grow, but it yielded 60% more than usual!
This woman works in an area that is predominately Muslim. She has been arrested by the unfriendly guerrilla fighters 3 times. She got shipwrecked for a year on a tiny island.. and by the time she left, everyone of the island knew Jesus.
I know that reading about someone seems distant. But Tracy is so real. It seems so possible. She is out there doing the work of God. And she made sure to emphasize that she doesn't regret a thing. I want to be able to say that.
This is the heart of our God. To care for the poor and the orphans. To heal the sick and raise the dead. To provide abundance out of nothing.
I am filled with joy and anticipation.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Original
I tried and tried to find the quote on the internet, but I'm pretty terrible about remembering the exact wording of anything. The gist was:
"It's better to be a first rate you than a poor man's someone else."
That struck me. For the entirety of my adolescence I tried to find my identity in other people. Sometimes I admired them for good reasons, sometimes not. I wanted to be as smart as this person, as pretty as that girl, as witty as him... I never felt like just being me was enough of anything to stand on.
The older I've gotten the less of an issue this has been. I've become much more secure. But I still catch myself comparing. Wondering how I measure up. Now, I do this concerning my looks, personality.. and my spirituality.
I'd grown very comfortable at home. I knew who I was. I knew where I fit. Here at Bethel, the environment is so different.. it's challenging in a wonderful way. But there are some less than fabulous challenges as well.
Spiritually it's so good for me. My box is ever expanding. My relationship with Christ growing more intimate. My understanding of who God is and who he sees me as is becoming much clearer.
However, many of the girls here are very pretty and incredibly trendy. There's a focus on the arts here and fashion is seen as one of the realms that the church needs to take leadership in. That's fine, I guess. But that's not my field. Not my call. Sometimes, though, it feels intimidating being around all these girls who are leading the way.
My first reaction was to judge myself. I don't look the same as them = there's something wrong with me. But I remembered getting to where I am. In my situation, feeling the need to look a certain way is something God has been setting me free from. So out came the T-shirts!
Then.. I found myself judging them. Obviously, this is revelation I've attained and they just aren't there yet. How dare they be so shallow! = Nope, not accurate. Bad on my part.
I've prayed for years that I would be transformed through the Holy Spirit to look like Shane Claiborne. Oh no, wait.. to look like Jesus! I gave Him my life and said He could use me however He wanted to. If that looks different than others, what difference does that make?
I know there are gifts and desires in me that are unique. I have the freedom to pursue my own dreams, even if not everybody feels that same passion. For so long, I wondered if I was lacking something because the things I longed for were different than the majority.
But God is a big God. He's got lots of dreams. And He's trusted me with some that are a little less common. How awesome! He considered me responsible enough to be trusted with them.
I will be found faithful.
"It's better to be a first rate you than a poor man's someone else."
That struck me. For the entirety of my adolescence I tried to find my identity in other people. Sometimes I admired them for good reasons, sometimes not. I wanted to be as smart as this person, as pretty as that girl, as witty as him... I never felt like just being me was enough of anything to stand on.
The older I've gotten the less of an issue this has been. I've become much more secure. But I still catch myself comparing. Wondering how I measure up. Now, I do this concerning my looks, personality.. and my spirituality.
I'd grown very comfortable at home. I knew who I was. I knew where I fit. Here at Bethel, the environment is so different.. it's challenging in a wonderful way. But there are some less than fabulous challenges as well.
Spiritually it's so good for me. My box is ever expanding. My relationship with Christ growing more intimate. My understanding of who God is and who he sees me as is becoming much clearer.
However, many of the girls here are very pretty and incredibly trendy. There's a focus on the arts here and fashion is seen as one of the realms that the church needs to take leadership in. That's fine, I guess. But that's not my field. Not my call. Sometimes, though, it feels intimidating being around all these girls who are leading the way.
My first reaction was to judge myself. I don't look the same as them = there's something wrong with me. But I remembered getting to where I am. In my situation, feeling the need to look a certain way is something God has been setting me free from. So out came the T-shirts!
Then.. I found myself judging them. Obviously, this is revelation I've attained and they just aren't there yet. How dare they be so shallow! = Nope, not accurate. Bad on my part.
I've prayed for years that I would be transformed through the Holy Spirit to look like Shane Claiborne. Oh no, wait.. to look like Jesus! I gave Him my life and said He could use me however He wanted to. If that looks different than others, what difference does that make?
I know there are gifts and desires in me that are unique. I have the freedom to pursue my own dreams, even if not everybody feels that same passion. For so long, I wondered if I was lacking something because the things I longed for were different than the majority.
But God is a big God. He's got lots of dreams. And He's trusted me with some that are a little less common. How awesome! He considered me responsible enough to be trusted with them.
I will be found faithful.
Friday, September 18, 2009
loved
I honestly don't know what to write in here...
There's so much in my head, I'm not sure I can put in words in any way that makes sense. I feel like I'm being ripped up by my roots. All the fears I've kept in my heart are being pulled out. And it's kind of painful. It's actually terrifying to be so humbled. I feel like a baby taking my first steps.. like there's this whole new level I hadn't even dreamt of before.
I'm not sure if this is something I'll experience this one time, or if every time God takes me deeper I'll feel the same way. This time, I prayed that I would be humbled. That God would take everything I was holding on to. And He's doing it. I didn't even realize how fearful I was.. of being loved and accepted. Crazy. His name is Love.
I feel so cherished.. there's so many ways He's made it clear that He is pursuing me. And there are so many ways I've been hiding from that. I'm believing that there is so much more He can and will do in me. I believe I can be different from this moment onward. That there are deeper places He wants to take me.
I kind of hate admitting all of this. This is basic, right? God loves us.. duh. I've known it on the surface for so long.. but.. it's just different now. He is doing a new thing.
Behold, I have come for you. I come like a river to purify. I will bring water to your soul and give life to the gifts that are within. As I pour in my love, peace and justice will flow out..
You will be holy, as I am holy.
There's so much in my head, I'm not sure I can put in words in any way that makes sense. I feel like I'm being ripped up by my roots. All the fears I've kept in my heart are being pulled out. And it's kind of painful. It's actually terrifying to be so humbled. I feel like a baby taking my first steps.. like there's this whole new level I hadn't even dreamt of before.
I'm not sure if this is something I'll experience this one time, or if every time God takes me deeper I'll feel the same way. This time, I prayed that I would be humbled. That God would take everything I was holding on to. And He's doing it. I didn't even realize how fearful I was.. of being loved and accepted. Crazy. His name is Love.
I feel so cherished.. there's so many ways He's made it clear that He is pursuing me. And there are so many ways I've been hiding from that. I'm believing that there is so much more He can and will do in me. I believe I can be different from this moment onward. That there are deeper places He wants to take me.
I kind of hate admitting all of this. This is basic, right? God loves us.. duh. I've known it on the surface for so long.. but.. it's just different now. He is doing a new thing.
Behold, I have come for you. I come like a river to purify. I will bring water to your soul and give life to the gifts that are within. As I pour in my love, peace and justice will flow out..
You will be holy, as I am holy.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
job description
This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.
John 15:12-13
What does it really mean to love others as Jesus has loved us?
To lay down our lives.
So what does that look like?
I believe, to lay down our lives for God, means to serve Him with everything we are. To worship Him because He is worthy, no matter what's going on in our lives or what we're doing at that exact moment in time. We worship Him because we love Him. We love Him because He first loved us. And He, in His wonderful love, laid down His life. Literally. It cost Him everything.
What is it costing us to follow Him?
And what is costing us to love others?
For the longest time, I thought that meant being nice to every single person I met. And even that was kind of hard. You know, smiling at people, being in a good mood, listening to a friend even if you're busy.... but now I don't think that's quite what Jesus meant. His love for us put Him on a cross.
So for me to truly love other people, the way Jesus wants me to, must take a little more. My time, my energy, my money, my passion. Loving people with action. Helping them find freedom, feeding them, clothing them.. in a way that, often times, costs me something.
This is a more demanding call than I thought I signed up for initially. But then, Jesus is a lot more than I thought at first. He's more real than I could've imagined before I followed Him. And this cry within my heart is not fading away. It's everywhere I look. It's in everything I want to do with my life.
I'm currently looking for a job in California. At first I thought I'd try to work for a bank or an insurance company.. something to pay the bills. And my time not working would be so awesome! But now.. I hate that idea. I don't know what job I'll end up with. But I feel like, to be a good steward with my time and resources, I should work somewhere that's doing good. Obviously, everybody can't work for a nonprofit organization. But this burden for social justice is so heavy on my heart.. I have to try.
Whether it ends up being my job or not, this is something I feel called to so strongly. As long as I believe that's what God is doing in me, I have to pursue it with everything I am.
John 15:12-13
What does it really mean to love others as Jesus has loved us?
To lay down our lives.
So what does that look like?
I believe, to lay down our lives for God, means to serve Him with everything we are. To worship Him because He is worthy, no matter what's going on in our lives or what we're doing at that exact moment in time. We worship Him because we love Him. We love Him because He first loved us. And He, in His wonderful love, laid down His life. Literally. It cost Him everything.
What is it costing us to follow Him?
And what is costing us to love others?
For the longest time, I thought that meant being nice to every single person I met. And even that was kind of hard. You know, smiling at people, being in a good mood, listening to a friend even if you're busy.... but now I don't think that's quite what Jesus meant. His love for us put Him on a cross.
So for me to truly love other people, the way Jesus wants me to, must take a little more. My time, my energy, my money, my passion. Loving people with action. Helping them find freedom, feeding them, clothing them.. in a way that, often times, costs me something.
This is a more demanding call than I thought I signed up for initially. But then, Jesus is a lot more than I thought at first. He's more real than I could've imagined before I followed Him. And this cry within my heart is not fading away. It's everywhere I look. It's in everything I want to do with my life.
I'm currently looking for a job in California. At first I thought I'd try to work for a bank or an insurance company.. something to pay the bills. And my time not working would be so awesome! But now.. I hate that idea. I don't know what job I'll end up with. But I feel like, to be a good steward with my time and resources, I should work somewhere that's doing good. Obviously, everybody can't work for a nonprofit organization. But this burden for social justice is so heavy on my heart.. I have to try.
Whether it ends up being my job or not, this is something I feel called to so strongly. As long as I believe that's what God is doing in me, I have to pursue it with everything I am.
Monday, August 31, 2009
While Bryon is making a smore...
We've been gone for 6 days.
Most of you know, I was pretty sad before we left. My friends, family, job- my whole life was in Florida. Then, Bryon and I packed up and left everything except our car, clothes and each other.
From a more objective view, I'm sure it was pretty clear that this was going to be exciting, but it was kind of hard for me to see that. Or at least to believe it.
But now, I feel so adventurous! As predicted by some wise individuals, Bryon and I's relationship is so awesome.. and this is just the beginning. Especially for the past couple months, we've been surrounded by other loved ones. That was truly fantastic, but it being just the two of us, for hours on end, has been a lot of fun. I had my doubts.. I can get really irritable. We've been praying for a lot of love and grace, and God's been faithful :)
I was thinking earlier about the things that I "need" in my life to be happy. The more I thought about it, the shorter that list got. It's so much fun to dream, and it's important to pursue those dreams.. but even if you end up with something completely different, there's so much beauty in this life.
God's plan is so much better than ours.. His ways are so much higher. If I only followed a path that I thought up I'd be so limited. There's so much more. I feel like I'm getting to experience more than I'd dreamed of before.
And, as I said... it's just the beginning.
Most of you know, I was pretty sad before we left. My friends, family, job- my whole life was in Florida. Then, Bryon and I packed up and left everything except our car, clothes and each other.
From a more objective view, I'm sure it was pretty clear that this was going to be exciting, but it was kind of hard for me to see that. Or at least to believe it.
But now, I feel so adventurous! As predicted by some wise individuals, Bryon and I's relationship is so awesome.. and this is just the beginning. Especially for the past couple months, we've been surrounded by other loved ones. That was truly fantastic, but it being just the two of us, for hours on end, has been a lot of fun. I had my doubts.. I can get really irritable. We've been praying for a lot of love and grace, and God's been faithful :)
I was thinking earlier about the things that I "need" in my life to be happy. The more I thought about it, the shorter that list got. It's so much fun to dream, and it's important to pursue those dreams.. but even if you end up with something completely different, there's so much beauty in this life.
God's plan is so much better than ours.. His ways are so much higher. If I only followed a path that I thought up I'd be so limited. There's so much more. I feel like I'm getting to experience more than I'd dreamed of before.
And, as I said... it's just the beginning.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
The dirty truth
Sometimes I get so frustrated.
I feel like I'm doing so well.. and then I get angry with someone and give them attitude. Or I get in a bad mood and shut out the people around. Even if they are the ones who care about me the most.. especially if they are the ones who care about me the most.
What is it that drags me back?? I know its my flesh.. but geez. He who is in me is greater, right? I'm so impatient. To be honest, I want it to come naturally. I want it to be easy. And I want that to happen now. Patience, perseverance, discipline.. that takes a whole lotta time.
God is still making things messier in our relationship. And sometimes it hurts. Sometimes it's stuff I really don't want to see. Stuff I would've sworn that I definitely don't struggly with. Actually, it's easier for me to say that I don't "struggle" with anything. I'm just becoming more and more perfect. (This is a crock, and I know it- thanks)
But sometimes it sucks to admit I have issues. How will everyone think I'm wonderful if they're all seeing my junk? Even this feels so awkward to be writing. Maybe I'll just keep it as a draft...
I started really praying not too long ago that God would bring my imperfections to the surface, to refine and sanctify me. But when I prayed that, I didn't realize how personal it would be. Selfish, jealous, insecure and proud. That's me. I do appreciate how deep He's going. I would rather be uncomfortable than complacent. And He's following through with my request.
I'm thankful that nothing I do surprises God. That He knew every mistake I would make, every dark piece of my heart, and then He chose me. I take so much comfort in that.
Woe to those who are wise in their own eyes and clever in their own sight. Is 5:21
I feel like I'm doing so well.. and then I get angry with someone and give them attitude. Or I get in a bad mood and shut out the people around. Even if they are the ones who care about me the most.. especially if they are the ones who care about me the most.
What is it that drags me back?? I know its my flesh.. but geez. He who is in me is greater, right? I'm so impatient. To be honest, I want it to come naturally. I want it to be easy. And I want that to happen now. Patience, perseverance, discipline.. that takes a whole lotta time.
God is still making things messier in our relationship. And sometimes it hurts. Sometimes it's stuff I really don't want to see. Stuff I would've sworn that I definitely don't struggly with. Actually, it's easier for me to say that I don't "struggle" with anything. I'm just becoming more and more perfect. (This is a crock, and I know it- thanks)
But sometimes it sucks to admit I have issues. How will everyone think I'm wonderful if they're all seeing my junk? Even this feels so awkward to be writing. Maybe I'll just keep it as a draft...
I started really praying not too long ago that God would bring my imperfections to the surface, to refine and sanctify me. But when I prayed that, I didn't realize how personal it would be. Selfish, jealous, insecure and proud. That's me. I do appreciate how deep He's going. I would rather be uncomfortable than complacent. And He's following through with my request.
I'm thankful that nothing I do surprises God. That He knew every mistake I would make, every dark piece of my heart, and then He chose me. I take so much comfort in that.
Woe to those who are wise in their own eyes and clever in their own sight. Is 5:21
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
The Heart of Life
I hate to see you cry
Lying there in that position
There's things you need to hear
So turn off your tears and listen
Pain throws you heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go the way, it should
But I know the heart of life is good
You know it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
Then the circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining
Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go the way, it should
But I know the heart of life is good
Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who's misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good
I know it's good
-John Mayer
Lying there in that position
There's things you need to hear
So turn off your tears and listen
Pain throws you heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go the way, it should
But I know the heart of life is good
You know it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
Then the circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining
Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go the way, it should
But I know the heart of life is good
Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who's misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good
I know it's good
-John Mayer
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
balance
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
my heart and my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out
This has pretty much been my prayer, the cry of my heart. Worship AND service. I know both are absolutely essential. Please, please pray for me to have the right balance. I don't want to be so caught up in my personal relationship with God that I forget his heart for other people. And I don't want to be so focused on works that I take my eyes off of Jesus.
Jesus said to him, What is written in the Law? How do you read it? And he replied, You must love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind; and your neighbor as yourself. And Jesus said to him, You have answered correctly; do this, and you will live [enjoy active, blessed, endless life in the kingdom of God]. Luke 10:26-28
This is clearly the heart of God. Loving him (worship) and loving people (service). I feel as though in different periods in my life I've been more focused on one or the other.. but I don't think that's right. We can't just choose the parts of God's call that we like and leave out the rest. Over the past couple years, I've focused a lot on Shane Claiborne and Bill Johnson. I believe they each encompass God's call, though it looks very different. And I think that's ok. They are both loving God and loving others. I just want to sort out how that looks in my own life.
For most of my life I think I was significantly more focused on learning who God is and delving deeper in my relationship with him. That's a beautiful thing, but it stayed primarily internal. As of late, a passion for social justice has been so stirred in my heart.. and I want to embrace that- but without neglected the former.
I'm sure this is something that will balance out over the course of my life. I feel like I'm stepping into my call and it's very exciting. I just want to be sure to stay on the right track.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
barbarian
"There is a barbarian revolt taking place, and its command center is the kingdom of God. Everywhere the kingdom of God advances, there is a violent engagement against a dark kingdom. To be born of God is to be made a citizen in the kingdom of God, and the kingdom of God is at war. Do not confuse this kingdom with Paradise. Salvation is not reentry into a Paradise Lost; it is enlistment in the kingdom of God.
Jesus is telling us in no uncertain terms that there is a battle raging. This is perhaps the most important reason why we must choose the barbarian way and resist any temptation to become civilized. Domesticated Christians are far too willing to abdicate the battle for the soul of the world. Civility focuses our energy on all the wrong places. We spend our lives emphasizing our personal development and spiritual well-being. We build churches that become nothing more than hiding places for the faithful while pretending that our actions are for the good of the world. Or we choose political or secular vehicles to try to advance our cultural values, strangely attempting to make unbelieving people act like civilized believers.
In contrast Jesus calls us to a different way. He tells us this is a battle of kingdoms. He insists that if we are His followers, we must not live in a world defined only by the material. We cannot limit our sights to what is flesh and blood. We should know better than that. To see from a kingdom perspective is to know that there is a conflict of invisible kingdoms and that people's lives are forever changed by what happens in the unseen. We are called to be warriors of light in dark places. We are mystical warriors who use weapons not of this world."
-Erwin McManus, The Barbarian Way
This scares the crap out of me. Yet it resonates deep within my soul. Being a part of the kingdom of God requires EVERYTHING we have and EVERYTHING we are. Becoming a follower of Christ does not make life "easier." But it does make it worth something.
For so long I've limited my Christianity to my personal theology. But it's so much more than that.. we're God's body here on earth. He has a purpose. And he plans on using us to accomplish that purpose.
I wish I knew exactly what that is going to look like for me, but I really don't. I just want to open to it, whatever it is. Lately, I've been praying that God will break out of every box I've put him in. And that he will break down anything I lean on besides him. No matter what the cost.. it's worth it to truly follow him.
It's so much more than I signed up for. I know we're supposed to count the cost before. But I'm realizing more and more now that the deeper I go with God, the more he invests in me, the more that will be required. And I know that I want my life's purpose to be used as his vessel.
It's a little terrifying. And incredibly exhilarating.
Jesus is telling us in no uncertain terms that there is a battle raging. This is perhaps the most important reason why we must choose the barbarian way and resist any temptation to become civilized. Domesticated Christians are far too willing to abdicate the battle for the soul of the world. Civility focuses our energy on all the wrong places. We spend our lives emphasizing our personal development and spiritual well-being. We build churches that become nothing more than hiding places for the faithful while pretending that our actions are for the good of the world. Or we choose political or secular vehicles to try to advance our cultural values, strangely attempting to make unbelieving people act like civilized believers.
In contrast Jesus calls us to a different way. He tells us this is a battle of kingdoms. He insists that if we are His followers, we must not live in a world defined only by the material. We cannot limit our sights to what is flesh and blood. We should know better than that. To see from a kingdom perspective is to know that there is a conflict of invisible kingdoms and that people's lives are forever changed by what happens in the unseen. We are called to be warriors of light in dark places. We are mystical warriors who use weapons not of this world."
-Erwin McManus, The Barbarian Way
This scares the crap out of me. Yet it resonates deep within my soul. Being a part of the kingdom of God requires EVERYTHING we have and EVERYTHING we are. Becoming a follower of Christ does not make life "easier." But it does make it worth something.
For so long I've limited my Christianity to my personal theology. But it's so much more than that.. we're God's body here on earth. He has a purpose. And he plans on using us to accomplish that purpose.
I wish I knew exactly what that is going to look like for me, but I really don't. I just want to open to it, whatever it is. Lately, I've been praying that God will break out of every box I've put him in. And that he will break down anything I lean on besides him. No matter what the cost.. it's worth it to truly follow him.
It's so much more than I signed up for. I know we're supposed to count the cost before. But I'm realizing more and more now that the deeper I go with God, the more he invests in me, the more that will be required. And I know that I want my life's purpose to be used as his vessel.
It's a little terrifying. And incredibly exhilarating.
Friday, July 24, 2009
apples to apples
This morning I was reading Luke 13 which includes the parable of the fig tree. In this gospel's version, it goes like this:
6-7Then he told them a story: "A man had an apple tree planted in his front yard. He came to it expecting to find apples, but there weren't any. He said to his gardener, 'What's going on here? For three years now I've come to this tree expecting apples and not one apple have I found. Chop it down! Why waste good ground with it any longer?'
8-9"The gardener said, 'Let's give it another year. I'll dig around it and fertilize, and maybe it will produce next year; if it doesn't, then chop it down.'"
I've always heard about Christians needing to bear fruit or get thrown into the fire. What stuck out to me when I read this though, was the gardener intervening on the tree's behalf. I was struck by the patience and faithfulness of the gardener. I think of all my years growing up in church, not applying what I was hearing.. and I'm so grateful I didn't get chopped.
Don't get me wrong, faith without works is dead. But God's love is everlasting and He is slow to anger. Thank Jesus that He finally got ahold of me.
6-7Then he told them a story: "A man had an apple tree planted in his front yard. He came to it expecting to find apples, but there weren't any. He said to his gardener, 'What's going on here? For three years now I've come to this tree expecting apples and not one apple have I found. Chop it down! Why waste good ground with it any longer?'
8-9"The gardener said, 'Let's give it another year. I'll dig around it and fertilize, and maybe it will produce next year; if it doesn't, then chop it down.'"
I've always heard about Christians needing to bear fruit or get thrown into the fire. What stuck out to me when I read this though, was the gardener intervening on the tree's behalf. I was struck by the patience and faithfulness of the gardener. I think of all my years growing up in church, not applying what I was hearing.. and I'm so grateful I didn't get chopped.
Don't get me wrong, faith without works is dead. But God's love is everlasting and He is slow to anger. Thank Jesus that He finally got ahold of me.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Happiest place on earth
part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FfWYQIMRzqk part 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h6iEjR2q2Nw part 3: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HLVOq0RV2-0 part 4: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a3-2rr2RPSg
These videos are awesome! God moves in such a raw way... in Disneyland =)
This is the kind of transforming power I absolutely believe God has put in all of us. If we follow God in a radical way, He will use us. God's heart for us is life and healing.. may we walk in His footsteps.
These videos are awesome! God moves in such a raw way... in Disneyland =)
This is the kind of transforming power I absolutely believe God has put in all of us. If we follow God in a radical way, He will use us. God's heart for us is life and healing.. may we walk in His footsteps.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Guatemala 1
Being back in the USA is a little hard. I'm so glad to be back with all of our loved ones, but I'm so sad to be away from Panamaquin. It's probably how I'm going to feel in 5 weeks when we move to California.
I loved it there. I loved how much we were able to slow down and focus on prayer, worship, studying and loving people. It feels like that's what we are supposed to be doing. Yesterday I worked all day, and I loved seeing my co-workers and catching up with some friends. But I did not love following up with our insurance company, paying bills and remembering that we have nowhere to live in a couple months.
I know this is a part of life. I know nobody enjoys tedious, monotonous, everyday tasks. I'm so grateful we were able to go be a part of something so wonderful. God did so much in us while we were there. I'm praying and praying that each of us hold on to that. I was so content there. The Bible makes it pretty clear that we going to go through testing... If I can be content there, I can be content here.
God alone can keep us strong, keep us close to Him. That's the cry of my heart, and He is faithful.
In Panamaquin there is very little access to the internet, few tvs and one school. At first I thought "their world is so small!" Then I went to the top of the mountain and looked at miles and miles of villages and cities and realized.... my world is so small.
God is so far outside of my box. He is everywhere, in everything. He is in Guatemala, Florida and California. He is my foundation and my fortress. He alone is my joy and my strength. Every day, I'm thankful that He opens my eyes to see more of who He is.
I loved it there. I loved how much we were able to slow down and focus on prayer, worship, studying and loving people. It feels like that's what we are supposed to be doing. Yesterday I worked all day, and I loved seeing my co-workers and catching up with some friends. But I did not love following up with our insurance company, paying bills and remembering that we have nowhere to live in a couple months.
I know this is a part of life. I know nobody enjoys tedious, monotonous, everyday tasks. I'm so grateful we were able to go be a part of something so wonderful. God did so much in us while we were there. I'm praying and praying that each of us hold on to that. I was so content there. The Bible makes it pretty clear that we going to go through testing... If I can be content there, I can be content here.
God alone can keep us strong, keep us close to Him. That's the cry of my heart, and He is faithful.
In Panamaquin there is very little access to the internet, few tvs and one school. At first I thought "their world is so small!" Then I went to the top of the mountain and looked at miles and miles of villages and cities and realized.... my world is so small.
God is so far outside of my box. He is everywhere, in everything. He is in Guatemala, Florida and California. He is my foundation and my fortress. He alone is my joy and my strength. Every day, I'm thankful that He opens my eyes to see more of who He is.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
dreams have changed
Last night, after some deliberation, I decided that when I wake up this morning, I'd get my coffee and read in bed for at least an hour. That was one of my favorite things to do about 5 years ago... since then, life has changed a good bit and gotten a lot busier.
So, I woke up and started the coffee.. while it was brewing I wanted to check in on the Guatemala blogs. Other people had posted some new stuff as well... Now, half an hour later, I realized that my dreams have changed.
I will always love to read in bed. It's a wonderful way to spend a rainy afternoon. This a small piece of the puzzle.. Last night, I wasn't going to read so that I could pack (which is becoming more and more urgent.) Now, I'm not reading my fiction novel because connecting and creating is just more important to me.
There's more to life than I've ever realized before. I love that I've learned so much about who I am and what my dreams are in the past few months. I didn't figure everything out when I was 18 or when I got married. And I'm not planning on having it all down when I turn 25 or 40.
Getting into heaven isn't what being a Christian is all about. We follow Christ here on earth to know and share His love. When you aren't so consumed with the destination alone, you're much more free to enjoy the journey. Cliche as that may be, I'm still getting it.
So, I woke up and started the coffee.. while it was brewing I wanted to check in on the Guatemala blogs. Other people had posted some new stuff as well... Now, half an hour later, I realized that my dreams have changed.
I will always love to read in bed. It's a wonderful way to spend a rainy afternoon. This a small piece of the puzzle.. Last night, I wasn't going to read so that I could pack (which is becoming more and more urgent.) Now, I'm not reading my fiction novel because connecting and creating is just more important to me.
There's more to life than I've ever realized before. I love that I've learned so much about who I am and what my dreams are in the past few months. I didn't figure everything out when I was 18 or when I got married. And I'm not planning on having it all down when I turn 25 or 40.
Getting into heaven isn't what being a Christian is all about. We follow Christ here on earth to know and share His love. When you aren't so consumed with the destination alone, you're much more free to enjoy the journey. Cliche as that may be, I'm still getting it.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
my purpose
I've been wanting to start blogging for awhile. Last semester, my teacher told us (as English majors) that each one of us should absolutely be doing it- but I haven't. Now, with Guatemala, California and who knows what else coming up, it's time.
This past weekend I took a road trip with a friend to visit Morning Star. Our time at the church was awesome, but I was most encouraged by our conversations during the 9 hour drives to and from SC. Last week, while at work, I realized how much I long for connection with people. My mom works with me and I noticed how much I try to talk to her.. not about anything important, I just want to be feeding that relationship. I'll tell her how nice my highlighter is working if there's nothing else to say, just to feel close. When I told Katie this, I half expected her to give me a strange look and change the subject, but then she said... "me too!"
People are so relational. We long to be connected to others, to be accepted and desired. If we feel it strongly enough to make somewhat pointless conversation, how much more must God be longing for our constant attention and affection?
Paul encourages us to pray without ceasing, and while I definitely believe this is for our own growth and well-being, I also believe that God is a lover yearning to be close to us.
I know how strong that hope is in me, and there's no one else who can satisfy that hunger like He can. I believe that's what we were created for.. relationship with God and with each other. Everything else is mundane. How awesome is it that God wants to enjoy us as we enjoy Him??
This past weekend I took a road trip with a friend to visit Morning Star. Our time at the church was awesome, but I was most encouraged by our conversations during the 9 hour drives to and from SC. Last week, while at work, I realized how much I long for connection with people. My mom works with me and I noticed how much I try to talk to her.. not about anything important, I just want to be feeding that relationship. I'll tell her how nice my highlighter is working if there's nothing else to say, just to feel close. When I told Katie this, I half expected her to give me a strange look and change the subject, but then she said... "me too!"
People are so relational. We long to be connected to others, to be accepted and desired. If we feel it strongly enough to make somewhat pointless conversation, how much more must God be longing for our constant attention and affection?
Paul encourages us to pray without ceasing, and while I definitely believe this is for our own growth and well-being, I also believe that God is a lover yearning to be close to us.
I know how strong that hope is in me, and there's no one else who can satisfy that hunger like He can. I believe that's what we were created for.. relationship with God and with each other. Everything else is mundane. How awesome is it that God wants to enjoy us as we enjoy Him??
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