Original

I tried and tried to find the quote on the internet, but I'm pretty terrible about remembering the exact wording of anything. The gist was:

"It's better to be a first rate you than a poor man's someone else."

That struck me. For the entirety of my adolescence I tried to find my identity in other people. Sometimes I admired them for good reasons, sometimes not. I wanted to be as smart as this person, as pretty as that girl, as witty as him... I never felt like just being me was enough of anything to stand on.

The older I've gotten the less of an issue this has been. I've become much more secure. But I still catch myself comparing. Wondering how I measure up. Now, I do this concerning my looks, personality.. and my spirituality.

I'd grown very comfortable at home. I knew who I was. I knew where I fit. Here at Bethel, the environment is so different.. it's challenging in a wonderful way. But there are some less than fabulous challenges as well.

Spiritually it's so good for me. My box is ever expanding. My relationship with Christ growing more intimate. My understanding of who God is and who he sees me as is becoming much clearer.

However, many of the girls here are very pretty and incredibly trendy. There's a focus on the arts here and fashion is seen as one of the realms that the church needs to take leadership in. That's fine, I guess. But that's not my field. Not my call. Sometimes, though, it feels intimidating being around all these girls who are leading the way.

My first reaction was to judge myself. I don't look the same as them = there's something wrong with me. But I remembered getting to where I am. In my situation, feeling the need to look a certain way is something God has been setting me free from. So out came the T-shirts!

Then.. I found myself judging them. Obviously, this is revelation I've attained and they just aren't there yet. How dare they be so shallow! = Nope, not accurate. Bad on my part.

I've prayed for years that I would be transformed through the Holy Spirit to look like Shane Claiborne. Oh no, wait.. to look like Jesus! I gave Him my life and said He could use me however He wanted to. If that looks different than others, what difference does that make?

I know there are gifts and desires in me that are unique. I have the freedom to pursue my own dreams, even if not everybody feels that same passion. For so long, I wondered if I was lacking something because the things I longed for were different than the majority.

But God is a big God. He's got lots of dreams. And He's trusted me with some that are a little less common. How awesome! He considered me responsible enough to be trusted with them.

I will be found faithful.