loved

I honestly don't know what to write in here...

There's so much in my head, I'm not sure I can put in words in any way that makes sense. I feel like I'm being ripped up by my roots. All the fears I've kept in my heart are being pulled out. And it's kind of painful. It's actually terrifying to be so humbled. I feel like a baby taking my first steps.. like there's this whole new level I hadn't even dreamt of before.

I'm not sure if this is something I'll experience this one time, or if every time God takes me deeper I'll feel the same way. This time, I prayed that I would be humbled. That God would take everything I was holding on to. And He's doing it. I didn't even realize how fearful I was.. of being loved and accepted. Crazy. His name is Love.

I feel so cherished.. there's so many ways He's made it clear that He is pursuing me. And there are so many ways I've been hiding from that. I'm believing that there is so much more He can and will do in me. I believe I can be different from this moment onward. That there are deeper places He wants to take me.

I kind of hate admitting all of this. This is basic, right? God loves us.. duh. I've known it on the surface for so long.. but.. it's just different now. He is doing a new thing.

Behold, I have come for you. I come like a river to purify. I will bring water to your soul and give life to the gifts that are within. As I pour in my love, peace and justice will flow out..
You will be holy, as I am holy.

job description

This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.
John 15:12-13

What does it really mean to love others as Jesus has loved us?
To lay down our lives.

So what does that look like?

I believe, to lay down our lives for God, means to serve Him with everything we are. To worship Him because He is worthy, no matter what's going on in our lives or what we're doing at that exact moment in time. We worship Him because we love Him. We love Him because He first loved us. And He, in His wonderful love, laid down His life. Literally. It cost Him everything.

What is it costing us to follow Him?

And what is costing us to love others?

For the longest time, I thought that meant being nice to every single person I met. And even that was kind of hard. You know, smiling at people, being in a good mood, listening to a friend even if you're busy.... but now I don't think that's quite what Jesus meant. His love for us put Him on a cross.

So for me to truly love other people, the way Jesus wants me to, must take a little more. My time, my energy, my money, my passion. Loving people with action. Helping them find freedom, feeding them, clothing them.. in a way that, often times, costs me something.

This is a more demanding call than I thought I signed up for initially. But then, Jesus is a lot more than I thought at first. He's more real than I could've imagined before I followed Him. And this cry within my heart is not fading away. It's everywhere I look. It's in everything I want to do with my life.

I'm currently looking for a job in California. At first I thought I'd try to work for a bank or an insurance company.. something to pay the bills. And my time not working would be so awesome! But now.. I hate that idea. I don't know what job I'll end up with. But I feel like, to be a good steward with my time and resources, I should work somewhere that's doing good. Obviously, everybody can't work for a nonprofit organization. But this burden for social justice is so heavy on my heart.. I have to try.

Whether it ends up being my job or not, this is something I feel called to so strongly. As long as I believe that's what God is doing in me, I have to pursue it with everything I am.