I want to see

I want to have both of my eyes open wide, and see in all directions.

We don't have all the answers. It's arrogance to think otherwise.

I don't want to fall into a delusion that one person, one group, one belief system has it 100% right. Because no matter what, there's more. More to God, more to self, more to love, more to life.

Seemingly contradictory statements can both be true. But if we get stuck on what we learned first we might not realize that. If we truly get that God loves us and wants good things for us, that's a beautiful revelation. But can turn into an attitude of entitlement. The opposite could mean turning down the gifts God has planned to give you in love.

Nothing is simple.. very little is black and white. Shades of grey. We all have a lens through which we observe life. Other than core truths- that lens should always be changing, reforming.

I must remain like a child. I must be teachable. Wide eyed, arms open to embrace.

Speck

That's what I am. I'm a speck. A teeny, tiny part of this world.

I started thinking about it when we visited the Redwoods a couple weeks ago. Those trees are massive. And they've been growing since well before the birth of the USA. We drove 4 hours to get there. A couple hundred miles across one part of one state, in one country. Our earth is huge. And all over it, life is happening. People are laughing. Birthdays are being celebrated. Someone is being born, right now. A flower is blooming. People are falling in love. Water is running off a cliff.

I am so unaware of the vast majority of what is happening right now. It's really humbling. My entire world, my entire existence.. is such a small part of the whole. One hundred years from now, I'll be all but forgotten. Life was going on before I was born, and it will continue long after I die.

This may sound morbid, but it actually makes me feel the opposite. I'm so inspired. I want my life to have meaning, I want to be a part of something.

ALL of life is in God's hands. And he has a specific purpose for me being here. If I live for only my survival, there is no point. But if I live to further God's kingdom, to spread love and justice.. I get to play a part in this huge, beautiful process. I get to be a brush stroke in the big picture. It's exhilarating.

My favorite quote number 38472397

My hunger for the freedom of my own people became a hunger for the freedom of all people, white and black. I knew as well as I knew anything that the oppressor must be liberated just as surely as the oppressed. A [person] who takes away another [person's] freedom is a prisoner of hatred ... is locked behind bars of prejudice and narrow-mindedness. I am not truly free if I am taking away someone else's freedom, just as surely as I am not free when my freedom is taken from me. The oppressed and the oppressor alike are robbed of their humanity.
- Nelson Mandela, from his autobiography Long Walk to Freedom

Throwing out my favorite excuse

There's been this issue driving me crazy lately. I hear people say "this is my struggle, the thorn in my flesh, go read Romans 7" and then that person not being able to overcome an issue in their life is considered totally acceptable. Because we all fall short. And I know that is so true. If we get judged by our works, we're screwed. Each and every one of us.

But I'm an idealist. And I believe that God wants to forgive every single one of our sins. I believe he wants to heal every disease. I believe he wants every person to be fed. I believe he wants there to be absolute peace, interpersonally and intrapersonally.

So if God's grace is enough to cover all our sin, why isn't his grace enough to help us overcome our obstacles? I think it is.

I think the same spirit that raised Christ from the dead lives in us. And I think that spirit, the Holy Spirit, is totally willing to enable us to live as Jesus did. In every way.

I don't think Jesus was a liar. I don't think he set unreasonable expectations. He said "You are forgiven. Now go, and sin no more." If he said it, I believe it. It's possible, it's attainable. Clearly, not by my strength or goodness. But that's not what's getting me into heaven. Why should I rely on my own self to live a good life?

I don't have this whole theology worked out. I'm just having a hard time justifying anything less than holiness lately.

As for Romans 7... in the beginning of the chapter, Paul says:

"By dying to what once bound us, we have been released from the law so that we serve in the new way of the Spirit, and not in the old way of the written code.."

We don't have to struggle to earn God's acceptance the way people used to.

I know how that chapter is used. But it's just one chapter. I think reading Romans 6 over and over would be a good idea.

15What then? Shall we sin because we are not under law but under grace? By no means! 16Don't you know that when you offer yourselves to someone to obey him as slaves, you are slaves to the one whom you obey—whether you are slaves to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience, which leads to righteousness? 17But thanks be to God that, though you used to be slaves to sin, you wholeheartedly obeyed the form of teaching to which you were entrusted. 18You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness.
19I put this in human terms because you are weak in your natural selves. Just as you used to offer the parts of your body in slavery to impurity and to ever-increasing wickedness, so now offer them in slavery to righteousness leading to holiness. 20When you were slaves to sin, you were free from the control of righteousness. 21What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death! 22But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves to God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life. 23For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Love this quote

Perhaps it is no wonder that the women were first at the Cradle and last at the Cross. They had never known a man like this Man ... A prophet and teacher who never nagged at them, never flattered or coaxed or patronised ... who rebuked without querulousness and praised without condescension; who took their questions and arguments seriously; who never mapped out their sphere for them, never urged them to be feminine or jeered at them for being female ... Nobody could possibly guess from the words and deeds of Jesus that there was anything [inferior] about woman's nature.
- Dorothy L. Sayers, from her book, Are Women Human?

107: Feeling Ambitious

Recently my housemate started this life coaching course. She said one of the things they encourage everyone to do is to have a list of at least 100 dreams. Seemed like a good idea to me.. so here goes!

1. Work for a nonprofit company doing good in the world.

2. Say and be told "I love you" every day

3. Say and be told "I miss you" from someone far away

4. Start wearing a toe ring again

5. Paint something I'm proud to have done

6. Go to Europe (England and France, specifically)

7. Cook dinner from scratch for a group of people

8. Live in an intentional community

9. Be friends with at least 3 of the same people in 20 years

10. Write a book, a more serious blog, a pamphlet.. something legit.

11. Sew a dress

12. Laugh every single day

13. Have a pic-nic with champagne

14. Grow a garden in the ground

15. Save someone's life

16. Take a photography or art class

17. Give myself a french pedicure

18. Go a year without purchasing any clothes

19. Take Kelsea out for sushi

20. Sing in public

21. At least pursue the thought of getting my master's degree

22. Read through the entire Bible

23. Go out on a sail boat

24. Keep a journal throughout my life

25. See an end to poverty and world hunger

26. See an end to war

27. Travel by mostly public transportation

28. Make a cheesecake

29. Come up with a list of 100 dreams

30. Read The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis

31. Spend an entire day outside

33. Own every Beatles album

34. Invent a great recipe

35. Learn more about computers

36. Compost all organic matter

37. Recycle everything else

38. Maintain my current weight or less (except for pregnancy, obviously)

39. Brighten a stranger's day

40. Pay back all of my student loans

41. Do a 40 day fast

42. Join a book club

43. Swim near a waterfall

44. Baby sit a young couple's kids for free

45. Renew our wedding vows after it gets tough

46. Have an art/worship/creation room in my home

47. Go to San Francisco

48. While there, visit MOMA

49. See Phantom of the Opera on Broadway

50. Live within walking distance of a library, coffee shop and park

51. Be part of a peaceful protest

52. Grow my own herbs and make my own tea

53. Ride a bicycle (I had a traumatic experience when I was 12 and haven't been on one since)

54. Dress up like someone from the 1920's

55. Watch the sun rise on the east coast

56. Watch the sun set on the west coast

57. Dance at an 80's club (and a 90's club, if those exist yet)

58. Solve a crime

59. Write to someone in prison

60. Help a village in a developing country become sustainable (clean water, farming and education system)

61. Go to Africa

62. Do a self-portrait (either painted or photographed)

63. Actually make the soundtrack of my life

64. Seriously look into adoption or foster care

65. Go to PAPA Fest

66. See the redwood forest

67. Worship at my darkest moment

68. Get one more tattoo

69. Become fluent in Spanish

70. Change an unjust law

71. Walk through a meadow barefoot and pick wildflowers

72. Go one week eating veggies only

73. Make a scrap book

74. Understand what fascism means

75. Volunteer regularly

76. Make ice cream

77. Buy Christmas presents for a low-income family

78. Spend at least one day exploring New York City

79. Learn how to tell time on a sundial

80. Ride a train

81. Read a biography about Mother Teresa

82. Read a biography about Mohatma Gandhi

83. Be an editor

84. Go backpacking

85. Go one day eating only things I've grown

86. Go on a trip by myself

87. Visit the Louvre

88. Tutor/mentor a child

89. Drink enough water every day

90. Spend a lot of quality time with my family (immediate- including all siblings and future)

91. Perform at least 5 random acts of kindness for complete strangers (clean their bathroom, buy their lunch, rake their lawn)

92. Walk on the water

93. Spend a day walking around a city enjoying the local businesses

94. Write letters to the people I love

95. Have used furniture and decorate it myself

96. Cover my house in local/self-made art

97. Not work 9-5 Monday though Friday in a cubicle

98. Go to a music festival

99. See the beauty in every moment and thank the Lord for it

100. Spend time in someone of a different culture's shoes.. or bare feet

101. Live in the downtown part of a city

102. Never complain again

103. Do a photo shoot

104. Have a big front porch

105. Celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary

106. Not take any person for granted

107. In 10, 20, 40 and 60 years, see how I’ve done on my list. And add to it.

So doing this ended up taking longer than I thought it would. And it challenged me. Made me hone in on what my priorities in this life are. I would encourage everyone to give it a try.

every plan is a tiny prayer to father time

My plan was to come to Redding for 9 months, get everything we needed and immediately jet back home to Florida.

That is probably not what is going to actually take place.

Bryon started talking about wanting to stay for second year pretty quickly. I was horrified. I told him there was absolutely no way. I maintained that stand for about 6 months. Then I decided to actually seek the Lord about it.

I woke up the next morning knowing that we were staying. I didn't hear God's voice, didn't even feel guided in a specific direction while I was praying. But I knew. But I did not share that with Bryon.

I started telling friends and family that we might stay.. that was the scariest part of this process for me. Literally, the day I told the last person I was worried about was the day God made it crystal clear.

I was sitting outside of a local coffee shop on the phone with said person. Then one of the other Bethel students, who I'd met but didn't really know, came up to me with a prophetic drawing. She felt like it was for me. This drawing is of a person standing in front of two mountains with the sun rising between them. The person has his/her arms up in praise. She wrote on the back that this is the valley of indecision, but there is joy in the mountain tops.

I freaked out.

This may sound like just a massive coincidence to you, but I'm positive that was God guiding me. Bryon picked me up a few minutes later and I told him to go ahead and apply for second year.

I'm not going to lie, there's a part of me that's hoping God was just testing me and Bryon won't get in. That's a pretty selfish desire, I know. Bryon will almost definitely get accepted.. he's doing really well here.

And God's plans, even when they are different than mine, are too good to pass up.