Tears

I've got to try and get this out quickly because I'm on my 15 minute break at work.. but my mind is racing. It has been for several weeks now.

"Our sadness is as much a part of our lives as our laughter." I posted this poem not too long ago. And maybe that's what got me thinking about it. That's such a true statement for me. I love songs that have a haunting piano riff in them. My favorite movies are the ones that make me cry the hardest.

It's not that I like feeling sad. I don't want other people to have problems for me to feel bad about. But there's something beautiful about pain. I know that sounds twisted and masochistic. I've tried to fight it, tried to cover it up. Part of me thinks it's because of something broken in me.

But I feel like there's so much more depth to life when you acknowledge both sides of the coin. Joy and happiness are so wonderful. My absolute favorite thing to do in the world is laugh. But I appreciate the times when I cry also.. that's my second favorite pastime.

I have no idea if this feeling is normal. It's very possible that I'm just completely melodramatic. And one day there will be no more tears, but that's because there won't be anymore pain. For now, there is pain. I guess I enjoy the beauty that can come from that place.

Anyway, at least the author of Ecclesiastes agrees with me..

There is "a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance" and "when times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other."

Freely Giving- Part II

So I was reading more in The Happy Intercessor and I came across a passage that I think will really sum up what I was trying to say in my last blog:

"There is a mindset of performance that can grab hold of us and push us to do things for God that He is not asking us to do. When that happens, it takes us right out of rest. We can feel like we need to do for God so that He will approve of us. We think by doing this God will accept us more and maybe love us more. I'm telling you, you don't have to do a thing for God, and He will love you no less. So many of us have believed that we need to labor and perform for God so that we can gain an identity, so that we might be accepted. But in the Kingdom we start off accepted. From there our identity is formed. As intercessors, we need to pray out of that new identity, that core belief that says, "I am already accepted! I am already loved! I already have favor with God!" You see, we are already accepted. Unfortunately, many of our life experiences do not teach us this. In life, you get rewarded or receive approval if you do this or that. The Kingdom of God doesn't work that way. God is not sitting up in Heaven waiting to love you if you will do something for Him. He is a lot more interested in our entering into His love and rest...

You were dead because of your sins and because your sinful nature was not yet cut away. Then God made you alive with Christ, for he forgave all our sins. He canceled the record of the charges against us and took it away by nailing it to the cross. In this way, he disarmed the spiritual rulers and authorities. He shamed them publicly by his victory over them on the cross.
So don’t let anyone condemn you for what you eat or drink, or for not celebrating certain holy days or new moon ceremonies or Sabbaths. For these rules are only shadows of the reality yet to come. And Christ himself is that reality. -Col 2:13-17"

This is something that's tough for me to get sometimes. Faith without works is dead. We have to have works! But if we're just doing them to have works, it's no good. God's after our heart.

And if there wasn't any fruit at this church, I wouldn't listen to this advice at all. But there is. They regularly seek God's presence and He responds. And they love people. And people's lives are transformed. It's amazing.

So this is what I'm really trying to get. I believe it's what God wants for us. Then He's happy.. and we're happy.. and we're making other people happy... win, win, win!

Freely I have received and freely I will give

One of the most awesome things I'm learning here at Bethel is to live from a Kingdom mentality. As you know, my heart cries out for social justice. It aches for the poor, the hopeless, the hungry. And sometimes I get overwhelmed thinking about all the need that exists in the world. Not that I think it's all on my shoulders.. but sometimes it begins to feel that way.

I've been reading this book called The Happy Intercessor by Beni Johnson, Bill's wife. It's revolutionized the way I pray. In it, she explains that she lived most of her life feeling deep pain for people and nations. She felt a heavy burden, but she didn't know what to do with it. Eventually she learned that this can be a call to intercession. To me, that's a funky word. I thought intercession = intense praying for a long time. And that was pretty much all I thought about it.. I had no personal interest.

But at this church, they have a strong focus on praying from God's kingdom and truth, not from fear. Praying against every little thing that could go wrong can be distracting and wearisome. But there's LIFE in the tongue.. we can release God's kingdom through our prayers. I'm filled with so much joy at this thought! There are constant spiritual battles going on. And instead of sitting on the sidelines, I can make a difference. I can speak freedom for the captives, hope for the hopeless. Because, for all my efforts in the physical, there's always something deeper going on.

I feel like I can cover so much more ground. I can sign petitions, sponsor children in Swaziland, provide food for neighbors who don't have enough and pray with authority that the kingdom of Heaven, where there is no lack or pain, will invade the earth.

Yeah.

Number One on My Playlist

The rocks are going to cry out if we don't
Now's the time to raise a song
Hear creation shout loud
We will join our voices to the sound
Stand up, stand up the time has come

Sing it out, sing an anthem to His name
A generation worshipping unashamed
Giving all for the glory of our King
We will run, we will run after Your heart
We believe You all that You say You are
Giving all for the glory of our King
The glory of our King

The church is waking up now
To be Your Hands and feet upon this earth
Send us in Your power
As we take Heaven to a broken world

We are, we are a chosen people
We are, we are called to follow
We are, we are Your generation
You are, You are the God who saves us
You are, You are the God who sends us
You are, You are the God who's with us

-Matt Redman


This is my absolute favorite worship song right now. It's a good tune, but it's the lyrics that grip my heart.

That first line in bold caught me off guard the first time I heard it. God reveals so much of Himself to us.. in Scripture He is described as our Father, our husband, our friend, our comforter, etc. Yet, I don't think the church as a whole is convinced that all that is true. So that statement struck me as profound. We believe You are who You say You are, God. And the next step- we believe we are who You say we are.. the beloved. Chosen. Co-heirs. A royal priesthood. Come on.

In the next stanza, I just love declaring the kingdom of God now. Not the church will wake up. Not begging and pleading that people will begin to stir. The church is stepping up to the plate. We're walking into our calling.

And those last few lines.. God is the one who saves us, then sends us, and is always with us. That's who He is, that's what He does.

I really appreciate the mindset behind this song. It's not just a song of repentance, though those can be great. It's not even just a song of praise, and those are awesome. It's declaring truth.. As we declare it, we believe it. And we begin to live it.

ravings of an eternal optimist

I've neglected blogging as of late.
I feel full of thoughts but empty of articulation.

This phase in my life is kind of surreal. Being here is almost like a break from our real lives.. it's just a really long trip. I am glad to be here. But sometimes it is hard. Some of our "stuff" has definitely been coming to the surface. I don't believe it would unless it's something that God wants to deal with in us. So our marriage is being purified.. and there are moments when that hurts. It's so easy to remember how good and faithful God is when things are easy and happy. But during trials, it's a whole lot more difficult. We each have a lens through which we view God and the rest of the world. If that lens is anything but "God is love. Everything He does is motivated by love. He wants to draw me to Him" then- everything sucks. It's just completely discouraging. When we remember the truth though.. His heart for us gives us victory and joy.

I reconnected with an old friend yesterday. It's so good to see how people have grown and changed, and how they've stayed the same. It makes me think about how I've changed and how I'm the same. For me, looking back on my roots makes me feel empowered.. to hold on to, and pursue, the things in me that I like, and to move on from the things that I don't.
"It is never to late to be what you might have been." George Eliot

One of my favorite things about being on the west coast that we have an autumn. Yesterday I drove home through several miles of trees that were red, orange and yellow. It was so beautiful.. You can't have a moment like that and not stop and think about the goodness in life. There is beauty in every season, in every moment. It certainly doesn't always look like what we'd expect, but it's there. We always have hope.

I can't explain it, but this made me want to cry

“Some people do not have to search, for they find their niche early in life and rest there seemingly contented and resigned.

At times, I envy them but usually I do not understand them…
And seldom do they understand me.

I am one of those searchers.

There are, I believe, millions of us. We are not unhappy, but neither are we completely content.

We continue to explore ourselves, hoping to understand.

We like to walk along the beach; we are drawn to the ocean, taken by its power and unceasing motion, its mystery and unspeakable beauty.

We like forests, mountains, deserts, hidden rivers, and lovely cities as well. Our sadness is as much a part of our lives as our laughter. We are ambitious only for life itself and for anything beautiful it can provide.

Most of all, we want to love and be loved, to live in a relationship that will not impede our wanderings and prevent our search.

We do not want to prove ourselves to others or compete for love.

This passage is for wanderers, dreamers, and lovers who dare to ask of life everything which is good and beautiful.”

- Author Unknown

Another world is possible

Last night a woman named Tracy Evans shared with Bethel. Bryon actually got to hear her earlier in the week and he told me she was amazing, but I was completely blown away!

Tracy is a missionary to Mozambique. She's a teeny, gentle woman and she has changed thousands of lives. She touched my heart so much.. I just have to share what she's doing.

One thing her team does to help the community is caring for 600 babies every week. Many young mothers die while the babies are just infants, and then there is no way to feed them. Tracy and her team have made a deal.. if another member of the family will take responsibility for the young one, they can bring the child in once a week and they will supply a week's worth of formula and health care for the child and the family member who brings them in. This way, the babies are still able to live with their families and grow up in the African culture, instead of becoming isolated from them. On top of that, they've seen many of the young woman and children healed of AIDS!

They also run a prison ministry. They go to the jail almost every day and do a Bible study. The prisoners are dependant on their families to supply food. Tracy's team has been able to have some of the men come to their fields and help with the farming. Then, when they harvest the crop, they bring some of the food back to the prison!

In Mozambique, everyone runs out and plants their whole crop after the first rain. One year, after they had done that, it didn't rain again and everyone's crop died. Someone donated a bunch of new seeds to Tracy's ministry.. but instead of planting them, she gave them away to the rest of the village and she decided to raise their crop from the dead.. and it worked!! Not only did their crop grow, but it yielded 60% more than usual!

This woman works in an area that is predominately Muslim. She has been arrested by the unfriendly guerrilla fighters 3 times. She got shipwrecked for a year on a tiny island.. and by the time she left, everyone of the island knew Jesus.

I know that reading about someone seems distant. But Tracy is so real. It seems so possible. She is out there doing the work of God. And she made sure to emphasize that she doesn't regret a thing. I want to be able to say that.

This is the heart of our God. To care for the poor and the orphans. To heal the sick and raise the dead. To provide abundance out of nothing.

I am filled with joy and anticipation.