While Bryon is making a smore...

We've been gone for 6 days.

Most of you know, I was pretty sad before we left. My friends, family, job- my whole life was in Florida. Then, Bryon and I packed up and left everything except our car, clothes and each other.

From a more objective view, I'm sure it was pretty clear that this was going to be exciting, but it was kind of hard for me to see that. Or at least to believe it.

But now, I feel so adventurous! As predicted by some wise individuals, Bryon and I's relationship is so awesome.. and this is just the beginning. Especially for the past couple months, we've been surrounded by other loved ones. That was truly fantastic, but it being just the two of us, for hours on end, has been a lot of fun. I had my doubts.. I can get really irritable. We've been praying for a lot of love and grace, and God's been faithful :)

I was thinking earlier about the things that I "need" in my life to be happy. The more I thought about it, the shorter that list got. It's so much fun to dream, and it's important to pursue those dreams.. but even if you end up with something completely different, there's so much beauty in this life.

God's plan is so much better than ours.. His ways are so much higher. If I only followed a path that I thought up I'd be so limited. There's so much more. I feel like I'm getting to experience more than I'd dreamed of before.

And, as I said... it's just the beginning.

The dirty truth

Sometimes I get so frustrated.

I feel like I'm doing so well.. and then I get angry with someone and give them attitude. Or I get in a bad mood and shut out the people around. Even if they are the ones who care about me the most.. especially if they are the ones who care about me the most.

What is it that drags me back?? I know its my flesh.. but geez. He who is in me is greater, right? I'm so impatient. To be honest, I want it to come naturally. I want it to be easy. And I want that to happen now. Patience, perseverance, discipline.. that takes a whole lotta time.

God is still making things messier in our relationship. And sometimes it hurts. Sometimes it's stuff I really don't want to see. Stuff I would've sworn that I definitely don't struggly with. Actually, it's easier for me to say that I don't "struggle" with anything. I'm just becoming more and more perfect. (This is a crock, and I know it- thanks)

But sometimes it sucks to admit I have issues. How will everyone think I'm wonderful if they're all seeing my junk? Even this feels so awkward to be writing. Maybe I'll just keep it as a draft...

I started really praying not too long ago that God would bring my imperfections to the surface, to refine and sanctify me. But when I prayed that, I didn't realize how personal it would be. Selfish, jealous, insecure and proud. That's me. I do appreciate how deep He's going. I would rather be uncomfortable than complacent. And He's following through with my request.

I'm thankful that nothing I do surprises God. That He knew every mistake I would make, every dark piece of my heart, and then He chose me. I take so much comfort in that.

Woe to those who are wise in their own eyes and clever in their own sight. Is 5:21

The Heart of Life

I hate to see you cry
Lying there in that position
There's things you need to hear
So turn off your tears and listen

Pain throws you heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go the way, it should
But I know the heart of life is good

You know it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
Then the circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go the way, it should
But I know the heart of life is good


Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who's misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good

I know it's good

-John Mayer

balance

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
my heart and my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

This has pretty much been my prayer, the cry of my heart. Worship AND service. I know both are absolutely essential. Please, please pray for me to have the right balance. I don't want to be so caught up in my personal relationship with God that I forget his heart for other people. And I don't want to be so focused on works that I take my eyes off of Jesus.

Jesus said to him, What is written in the Law? How do you read it? And he replied, You must love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind; and your neighbor as yourself. And Jesus said to him, You have answered correctly; do this, and you will live [enjoy active, blessed, endless life in the kingdom of God]. Luke 10:26-28

This is clearly the heart of God. Loving him (worship) and loving people (service). I feel as though in different periods in my life I've been more focused on one or the other.. but I don't think that's right. We can't just choose the parts of God's call that we like and leave out the rest. Over the past couple years, I've focused a lot on Shane Claiborne and Bill Johnson. I believe they each encompass God's call, though it looks very different. And I think that's ok. They are both loving God and loving others. I just want to sort out how that looks in my own life.

For most of my life I think I was significantly more focused on learning who God is and delving deeper in my relationship with him. That's a beautiful thing, but it stayed primarily internal. As of late, a passion for social justice has been so stirred in my heart.. and I want to embrace that- but without neglected the former.

I'm sure this is something that will balance out over the course of my life. I feel like I'm stepping into my call and it's very exciting. I just want to be sure to stay on the right track.

barbarian

"There is a barbarian revolt taking place, and its command center is the kingdom of God. Everywhere the kingdom of God advances, there is a violent engagement against a dark kingdom. To be born of God is to be made a citizen in the kingdom of God, and the kingdom of God is at war. Do not confuse this kingdom with Paradise. Salvation is not reentry into a Paradise Lost; it is enlistment in the kingdom of God.
Jesus is telling us in no uncertain terms that there is a battle raging. This is perhaps the most important reason why we must choose the barbarian way and resist any temptation to become civilized. Domesticated Christians are far too willing to abdicate the battle for the soul of the world. Civility focuses our energy on all the wrong places. We spend our lives emphasizing our personal development and spiritual well-being. We build churches that become nothing more than hiding places for the faithful while pretending that our actions are for the good of the world. Or we choose political or secular vehicles to try to advance our cultural values, strangely attempting to make unbelieving people act like civilized believers.
In contrast Jesus calls us to a different way. He tells us this is a battle of kingdoms. He insists that if we are His followers, we must not live in a world defined only by the material. We cannot limit our sights to what is flesh and blood. We should know better than that. To see from a kingdom perspective is to know that there is a conflict of invisible kingdoms and that people's lives are forever changed by what happens in the unseen. We are called to be warriors of light in dark places. We are mystical warriors who use weapons not of this world."
-Erwin McManus, The Barbarian Way


This scares the crap out of me. Yet it resonates deep within my soul. Being a part of the kingdom of God requires EVERYTHING we have and EVERYTHING we are. Becoming a follower of Christ does not make life "easier." But it does make it worth something.
For so long I've limited my Christianity to my personal theology. But it's so much more than that.. we're God's body here on earth. He has a purpose. And he plans on using us to accomplish that purpose.
I wish I knew exactly what that is going to look like for me, but I really don't. I just want to open to it, whatever it is. Lately, I've been praying that God will break out of every box I've put him in. And that he will break down anything I lean on besides him. No matter what the cost.. it's worth it to truly follow him.
It's so much more than I signed up for. I know we're supposed to count the cost before. But I'm realizing more and more now that the deeper I go with God, the more he invests in me, the more that will be required. And I know that I want my life's purpose to be used as his vessel.
It's a little terrifying. And incredibly exhilarating.

apples to apples

This morning I was reading Luke 13 which includes the parable of the fig tree. In this gospel's version, it goes like this:

6-7Then he told them a story: "A man had an apple tree planted in his front yard. He came to it expecting to find apples, but there weren't any. He said to his gardener, 'What's going on here? For three years now I've come to this tree expecting apples and not one apple have I found. Chop it down! Why waste good ground with it any longer?'
8-9"The gardener said, 'Let's give it another year. I'll dig around it and fertilize, and maybe it will produce next year; if it doesn't, then chop it down.'"

I've always heard about Christians needing to bear fruit or get thrown into the fire. What stuck out to me when I read this though, was the gardener intervening on the tree's behalf. I was struck by the patience and faithfulness of the gardener. I think of all my years growing up in church, not applying what I was hearing.. and I'm so grateful I didn't get chopped.

Don't get me wrong, faith without works is dead. But God's love is everlasting and He is slow to anger. Thank Jesus that He finally got ahold of me.

Happiest place on earth

part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FfWYQIMRzqk part 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h6iEjR2q2Nw part 3: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HLVOq0RV2-0 part 4: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a3-2rr2RPSg

These videos are awesome! God moves in such a raw way... in Disneyland =)
This is the kind of transforming power I absolutely believe God has put in all of us. If we follow God in a radical way, He will use us. God's heart for us is life and healing.. may we walk in His footsteps.